Primer is a skill! (+ some tips on how to build it) –

I’m a good reactor. That said, I’m good at reacting to things. I used to think it wasn’t even a skill – but through sex, kink, and comedy, I know it definitely is.

In a typical week, I attend at least one jam session and have at least one kinky phone sex session with my partner. Although the two activities took place in different locations, contexts, and headspaces, in many ways, I brought the same skills to both activities: I dialed up my natural reactions a little and made more noise than I would have if I were alone because my reactions had a social function. They convey what I like, which helps a partner or performer hone their approach over time; they encourage others in the room to respond more openly as well—and perhaps most importantly, they provide positive feedback that can make others feel good, motivated, and appreciated.

Audiences at a comedy show may think they are less important than the performers they come to see, but without an attentive audience, the performers simply wouldn’t be able to do what they do, or at least wouldn’t enjoy it as much. By the same principle, when you’re on the bottom (i.e. receiving the feeling) in a kink scene, you may feel like you’re “not really doing anything” while the top is “doing all the work” – when in fact, it’s your receptivity and responsiveness that makes their “work” feel like play! They might even feel lucky to be able to outdo someone like you.

Suffice it to say: Bottoms are more than just sandbags and chicken sleeves—we are a living, breathing, positive feedback loop with skills worth bragging about. So, how do you develop these skills? I could talk about this for hours, but here are my 3 quick tips for hitting rock bottom over the years:

amplify your reaction

Many of us learn to be super quiet while receiving pleasure (or pain) while growing up, so for some of us, making sounds may not come naturally at first. However, you can practice this skill just like any other skill.

Moaning (or panting, whimpering, etc.) does not automatically make it less authentic just because you consciously choose to do so. You just turn up the volume on your natural reactions and make them clearer to your superiors, who will find this both hot and useful. I swear, the more you do it, the easier it gets. (If you hate noise in a quiet room, put on some music/white noise/rain sounds, for fuck’s sake!)

Forget your people-pleasing tendencies

If you’re like me and are driven by the urge to always say “yes” and do what people expect of you, then you’re probably just a people-pleaser. It’s an understandable maladaptive, but when it comes to hitting bottom, it can erode the connection between you and the top. In order to play safely, they need to trust you to say “no” when you want/need it, which means you have to capable Say “no”, even to someone you really like, even if you’re incoherent in subspace.

It took me several years of trauma therapy to resolve this, but even just saying “no” to your partner for harmless things (like “Do you want Mexican food tonight?” “No, I had Mexican food last night…”) is good practice. Work that muscle until it’s strong!

ask yourself why

When you feel good during sex/intercourse, whether physically or mentally, ask yourself why this is happening. In other words, ask yourself what do you like and file your answers. Do the same thing with anything you decide to do No For example – what makes you feel unhappy? You can share this information with the top as needed.

One thing I’ve always been complimented on by senior management is that I know what I like/want/need – but it took me a lot of hard work to get to that point! Self-knowledge is often hard-won, and Express Self-awareness can feel very vulnerable to other people—but that’s part of what makes kink such a beautiful practice: it invites us to get to know ourselves and our partners better, to see different sides of ourselves, to reveal the deeper “whys” of our own happiness and joy.

Friends, what other skills do you think we need to hone?

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

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