Porn Addiction: Developing a “Circle Plan”

Robert Weiss, Ph.D., LCSW, CSAT

A circle plan, sometimes called a boundary plan or sexual sobriety plan, defines and sets limits on what is and is not acceptable sexual behavior for each addict. The addict then commits to only engaging in sex that is not problematic for them. As long as their sexual behavior does not violate these highly individualized boundaries, they are sexually sane.

It is important that these plans write it down And they clearly define the addict’s bottom-line problem behaviors. A vague plan leads to a vague recovery.

Typically, the process of developing a circle program for porn addiction begins with a statement of goals. Essentially, addicts list the main reasons why they want to change their sexual behavior. Some common goals are as follows:

• I want to be loyal to my spouse and not keep important secrets from my spouse.
• I want to live in the real world and not online.
• I want to feel like a whole, whole, healthy person—living with integrity.

Once the addict’s recovery goals are clearly stated, the addict can continue to develop their circle plan using their pre-set goals as a general guide.

[Circle Plan Illustration]

As can be seen from the figure, Circle Plans are divided into three layers and are structured as follows:

Red circle (inner circle): This is an addict’s baseline definition of sobriety. Here, the porn addict lists specific behaviors (not thoughts or fantasies) that are causing the problem and therefore need to stop. Some common red circle behaviors are as follows:

• Watching porn, masturbating or not.
• Read any type of erotica.
• Intentionally viewing “non-pornographic” meaning images that are not technically pornographic but can still be used for arousal purposes.
• Webcamming with anyone other than my spouse for sexual or romantic purposes.
• Intentionally objectifying people at the gym, at the beach, or anywhere else.

Please note that I used the word deliberately In a statement about watching “not porn.” That’s because the world is literally full of “non-porn,” so there’s no way to completely avoid it. However, if a porn addict knowingly watches “not porn,” either through searching or insisting on watching it after stumbling upon it, this is an intentional act that is likely to violate their sexual sobriety.

Yellow circle (middle circle): The circle lists warning signs and dangerous situations that may cause a porn addict to return to red circle activities. Here, addicts list people, places, thoughts/fantasies, events, and experiences that may trigger their desire to relapse. Some common yellow circle items are as follows:

• Skip therapy or support group meetings.
• Lying or keeping a secret (about anything), especially from a loved one.
• Causes anxiety, depression, loneliness, boredom, stress and other emotions.
• Fighting and/or arguing with anyone, especially loved ones.
• Unstructured free time.

Green circle (outer circle): This circle lists healthy behaviors and activities that can and will hopefully lead addicts to achieve their life goals—including but not limited to having a healthy, non-destructive sex life. These are healthy pleasures that addicts can use as alternatives to pornography. Some common green circle items are as follows:

• Spend more time with your family, especially your children.
• Rekindle an old hobby (or pick up a new one).
• Practice self-care through sleep, food, and exercise.
• Attend regular therapy and 12-step recovery meetings.
• Make yourself feel better by volunteering and serving.

When porn addicts develop their circle plans, they must understand that every porn addict is different, with a unique life history, unique life and recovery goals, and specific problem behaviors. Therefore, every porn addict’s circle plan will be at least a little different. Behavior that is deeply disturbing to one addict may be perfectly acceptable to another, and vice versa. The only thing that should be consistent among porn addicts is Viewing pornographic material and intentionally viewing “non-pornographic material” should always be listed in a red circle.

It’s also important to understand that the Circle Plan is about more than just staying away from red circle behaviors. Yes, that is the initial goal, but there is more to the healing process. In the long run, recovering from porn addiction is more about “living in the green circles” than avoiding the red circles. No addict can fully recover by not doing certain things. The other side – the green circle – is equally important.

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