Meet the married men like Keith Urban who stepped out

Over the past 20 years, attorney John Nachlinger has handled more than 2,000 divorce cases.

Nachlinger, a self-described “male divorce strategist,” wants dissatisfied husbands to know that giving up is not a sign of failure but of courage and self-care. In 2020, he even started a podcast and will soon publish a book—both bluntly titled Divorce Without Getting Screwed—that features interviews with relationship experts and other men on their difficult divorce journeys.

Over the years, he has counseled men in troubled relationships on a number of issues, including an age-old problem: staying in a relationship for the sake of the children.

“I’ve never told someone to stay married for the sake of the kids… ever. That’s the worst reason to stay married,” Nachlinger told The Washington Post matter-of-factly. “I always say, you have to teach your children what a healthy marriage is, staying in a bad marriage will hurt them more than anything else.”

Nachlinger helped a husband who didn’t want to break up with his wife make the decision to leave, despite the craziness of her situation: She wasn’t going to end her relationship with a Nigerian man—she was helping him launder money.

“I reminded him of his self-respect and the fact that you only live once,” Nachilinger said of the case. “He saw that he was being taken advantage of. I encouraged him to look in the mirror and ask a simple question: Is the marriage over? If it is, then let’s get divorced.”

One current client feels like he and his wife have been “roommates” for six years. He later fell in love with someone abroad and went to see her; his wife found out and served him with divorce papers upon his return. “But when the marriage ended, he followed his heart,” Nachilinger said. “Good for him!”

Yet as Nachlinger preached the gospel of divorce to a growing number of men in need of guidance, he was stuck in a 15-year marriage that had long since lost its intimacy and spark.

“I will tell [others] ‘Divorce’ is not a dirty word and they should be happy, but here I am, living in pain and not even listening to my own damn advice,” he told The Washington Post.

However, Nachlinger didn’t admit he wanted a breakup until 2021 — and he’s not the only one delaying the inevitable, often for overwhelming reasons.

Couples spend more and more time together—sometimes a lot of This was made clear by the recent high-profile split between A-listers Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman after 19 years of marriage.

“Grey divorce” is on the rise

Although divorce is no longer a scandal in the United States, the divorce rate has dropped significantly from its peak in 1980. Over the past few decades, the divorce rate has fallen further, from 4% per 1,000 people in 2000 to just 2.3% in 2023.

But the Washington Post recently noted an increase in the number of “grey divorcees,” middle-aged women who eventually leave long-term marriages.

It makes sense that we’re seeing more and more “late-onset divorces” happening to people who have been together for more than a decade, says relationship coach Dr. Jacqui Del Rosario, who candidly told The Washington Post, “People change over time.”

Lovers slowly grow apart, and by the time they notice—or decide to finally face it—it’s often too late to cross the chasm between them.

“As that evolution happens, you have to start renegotiating your relationship,” Del Rosario said. Otherwise, “you’ll find yourself with someone you no longer have much in common with.”

“I feel like I’m living alone”

That was the case for Jason Stair, 49, an IT professional in Athens, Ga., whose 20-year marriage ended in May.

He met his ex-wife in 2002 when she knocked on his apartment door, looking for a friend who lived in the same building. Two years later, they got married.

“We seemed happy together at first,” Steyer told The Washington Post. Ten years after they were married, she went back to school and earned a master’s degree in social work.

Then she got a job with late hours – and soon they rarely saw each other.

“It made us roommates in a lot of ways,” Steyer recalled. “I go to work at 8 a.m. and come home at 5 a.m., and her day starts at 11 a.m. and she doesn’t get home until 10 p.m.. There’s not much time to do things.” us“.

They tried to have a child but never could.

“I feel like I live alone,” he said. “We didn’t have any intimacy for four years.”

In 2021, she said she could no longer cope with his depression and anxiety and moved out for nearly two years, but later came back and said she wanted to work on improving their relationship.

Although reluctant, Stair acquiesced.

“I didn’t want my marriage to fall apart,” said Steyer despite the problems. “I don’t want to be a loser.”

He added that he was raised in a devout Christian family and believed in the sanctity of marriage and “till death do us part.”

“My parents have been together for over 50 years, my grandparents — I thought, if they can do it, even if they don’t like each other, I can do it,” Steyer admitted. “But I don’t think that’s possible anymore.”

At the end of 2022, the two broke up permanently and completed their divorce in May this year.

Is divorce always a bad choice?

“Many men are still in relationships or marriages that they know are dead,” says Ralph Brewer, a relationship expert and founder of Help For Men, an organization that provides support for men going through a breakup.

He listed three main traumatic factors: children, money and fear.

“A lot of these people have a very poor self-image,” Brewer told The Washington Post. “They think they can’t start over with someone else. They think they’re going to end up alone. They think, ‘If I get divorced, I might lose my money, I might lose my kids, and I don’t know what my life is going to be like.'”

“It’s sad because they can’t see [divorce] To them, it’s a blank slate of possibilities – they think of it as something terrible awaiting them. ”

The truth is, divorce isn’t always so scary.

Paul Aaron Travis had been married for 19 years, and although their relationship began to falter about 10 years later, he was caught off guard when his wife announced they were divorcing in 2012.

“I believe my purpose in life is to create a happy marriage and break the pattern of divorce that pervades my entire family tree,” Travis, 60, told The Washington Post, adding that he wanted to stay together for the sake of their two teenage children.

“Every divorce I’ve witnessed has been toxic, painful, and devastating—so I’m determined to be the one who not only stays together but actually thrives.”

His delayed awakening surprisingly changed his life.

“It wasn’t until much later that I realized: I was confusing outcome with purpose,” he said. “My real purpose is not to have a lifelong marriage at all costs, but to break the mold of a toxic relationship, even if it means ending our relationship with grace and honesty.”

“Getting better and better”

Today, Travis works as a sex therapist—a career change he attributes to his divorce. The founder of the relationship organization Love School, he lives on Bainbridge Island outside of Seattle, just five minutes from his ex-wife and her husband.

There’s no post-divorce drama or unhealthy tirades here: They have family dinners and go camping with their now-adult children.

Travis admits he has dated more than 100 women over the past 12 years, but is now in a long-term relationship with a woman in Portland.

Of course, she had met his ex-wife.

“Our relationship is getting better and better,” he said.

Nachlinger agrees that his life has changed for the better since the divorce.

“I [was] The world’s biggest hypocrite,” the 45-year-old Princeton resident admitted of his relationship with his ex-husband, whom he met in 2005 and married in 2013, the same year he adopted a daughter.

By 2017, “our vision for the future didn’t align,” Nachlinger said, and they argued over money, vacations and more.

“There’s definitely an element of fear,” Nachlinger explains of his hesitation. “It’s like, ‘I’m married, I have a kid, I have a nice house, I have a great job, a great career — what if I make this decision and ruin everything?'”

After vowing never to marry again, he met another man just two months after telling his ex he wanted a divorce. Four years later, they were happily married.

Nachlinger’s daughter, Sydney, now 12, adored her new stepfather and kept her two biological parents from fighting.

“My ex still hates me, but co-parenting isn’t bad,” Nachlinger said. “Our daughter wouldn’t let that happen! We didn’t get along with her, so it all worked out.”