Just because you’re a busy parent doesn’t mean your sex life is important too.

Babies are undeniably bundles of unbridled joy. But as exciting as becoming a parent is, it also brings new challenges: Your sex life is often the first casualty of parenthood. Whether you’ve just had your first baby, have multiple young children, or are raising teenagers, parenting can be all-consuming (if not all-consuming) and downright exhausting. Last time I checked, being chronically stressed and/or exhausted wasn’t the most powerful aphrodisiac. But here’s the thing: Sex is never just sex. A healthy sex life is essential to the health of any relationship. As such, it’s pretty important not to let it go to waste.

Fortunately, while reviving your sex life may seem impossible to your probably sleep-deprived mind, all hope is not lost. Many couples with children can still enjoy a vibrant, intense, and exciting sex life.

Here are some tips to help you count yourself among them (please note that this article focuses on two-parent households):

1. Distribute childcare tasks fairly

Let’s be realistic: that’s it! Research (on heterosexual couples) shows that couples who share childcare duties equally have superior sex lives, both in frequency and quality. Not surprisingly, they also have more satisfying relationships overall. Importantly, the couples who reported the poorest sex lives and relationships were those in which women did most or all of the childcare. These findings are hardly surprising given that it is common for both Parents have to go to work, but the mother still has to shoulder the burden of cooking, cleaning, and childcare duties. Naturally, such arrangements create resentment, emotional distance, and poor quality sex. To counteract this and take back ownership of your sex life (and your relationship as a whole), it is absolutely necessary to communicate with your partner and work together to find ways to share childcare more equally. And if necessary, there is no shame in seeking outside counseling in the form of couples therapy.

2. Express your desire out loud

Communication is the common thread running through all of the points on this list. Parenting is by nature a busy life, and it can feel like even though you want it, you don’t have the time or energy for sex—a sad state of affairs. If every moment of your day is booked up, it’s perfectly normal to be exhausted at the thought of making a move on your partner before you can finally sleep. It’s not easy, but start small: be open about your desire as it arises—whether you have the opportunity (or the will) to do something or not. Keeping the possibility of sex alive and taking advantage of opportunities to build sexual tension are ways to flirt, kiss, and even snog! If you’re open to the little things, like running around making out in dark corners like teenagers, the chances of having hot sex naturally flowing from it (even if you’re tired) are much higher.

3. Give thanks

Your sex life can be a pretty accurate barometer of what’s going on in your relationship. If sex is struggling, one or both of you may need a reminder of the simple joys in life, which can be easy to lose track of when you’re doing something life-changing like bringing another human being into the world. Reconnect with your partner by cultivating strong communication with them. One way to do this is to get in touch with your sense of gratitude. Thank your partner for the little things they do that you appreciate (i.e. cooking, cleaning, or giving you a foot massage—hopefully all three). Likewise, when it comes to your sex life, don’t be afraid to give them positive feedback and let them know that you appreciate that they prioritize a hot sex life, too. You might discover new levels of complicity with each other through your shared appreciation of sex, which in itself is good foreplay while you wait for the right moment.

4. Don’t make a habit of letting your children share your bed

It’s completely understandable to want to share your bed with your baby or toddler, whether it’s to make breastfeeding easier or simply to mimic love, affection, and a safe environment. Especially as kids get older, family cuddles can be so nice, but try not to normalize sharing your room with your kids, as this makes the crucial one-on-one time needed to build physical and emotional intimacy with each other even harder to come by.

5. Take time for yourself

While it may sometimes seem impossible and counterintuitive to take time alone so you can spend time together, having the luxury of alone time reminds you that you are still yourself and helps you stay in touch with your sense of desire. Taking time and space to take care of yourself also allows you to stay in touch with those little things that make you feel attractive and confident (think painting your nails, buying new lingerie, taking a nap, reading a book in the park, or going for a run). Taking care of yourself will make you feel sexier, which will fuel your partner’s attraction to you—it’s a law of the universe.

6. Focus on quality over quantity

Communication is key to learning how to truly please each other sexually. Have honest conversations about what turns you on and what doesn’t. Take your time with foreplay, be creative, and experiment with new things, like an oil massage, naughty play, morning sex (gasp), sex in another room (when the kids are out), or whatever. new sex toysAnd while long sex sessions are great, don’t be against the occasional quickie! Drs. Julie and John Gottman of Gottman Institute say that couples both need quick and spontaneous relationships And “gourmet sex.” Sex can be just as exciting when it happens in the moment and doesn’t last for hours.

7. Don’t underestimate “date night”

Scheduling a regular date night, whether it’s once a week or once a month, may not seem sexy, but think of it as an opportunity to reconnect outside of your role as parents. Do what it takes to find a reliable childcare option that can free you up for an evening to get to know each other again! Whether you go out or stay in, you can enjoy a romantic dinner, play tourist in your own town, recreate your first date, have a picnic, or head straight to the room (or the seedy motel)—only you, as a couple, know where the real need lies. Also, a friendly reminder: There’s no shame in plan sex—there isn’t really one. When life gets busy, we just have to make more of an effort to make room for it.

Bottom line: the stronger your relationship and sex life, the better parents you’ll be. So don’t stop expressing your desire, initiating contact, and communicating openly. After all, that’s what makes for true intimacy and an enviable sex life! <3