Is it normal to hate your spouse? Experts reveal what to do

They say there’s a fine line between love and hate, but is it okay to hate your long-term partner sometimes? If you ask actress Jamie Lee Curtis, it’s actually necessary.

When asked about the secret to her 40-year marriage to actor Christopher Guest, she recently said the keys included patience, perseverance and “a lot of hate.”

“All of a sudden, you really want to hate each other. And then the next day, it’s a nice day and the dog does something cute or your kid does something cute and you look at each other and you’re like, ‘Oh , oh my God,'” Curtis told Entertainment Tonight after the show, which won her an Emmy for her role in “The Bear.” “And you went on a different track.”

Relationship experts say it’s normal for couples to experience real animosity.

The difference between couples that last and those that don’t is how they handle their emotions in those moments.

“Hating the person you love is the most common thing in the world,” says Marriage and Family Therapist, author of Am I Lying to Myself? ” said Jane Greer, author of the book. How to overcome denial and see the truth. “We think we should love our partners unconditionally, but that’s not the case. “

Yes, you should “work hard for the small things”

Terri Orbuch, a professor of sociology at the University of Oakland and author of “Five Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great,” says stereotypical annoyances like lifting the toilet seat or Leaving shoes cluttered on the floor can build up if left unaddressed.

Orbuch followed hundreds of couples over 36 years of research.

“What started as an annoying little habit turned into ‘You’re not listening to me. You don’t love me. Maybe we’re not right for each other and I hate you,'” she said.

However, Obuchi said criticizing an issue is not the best approach at the moment.

Find an appropriate time and place to discuss this: away from your children, not after get off work, before leaving for the day, or when you’re tired in bed.

Be specific

Orbuch recommends starting the discussion on a positive note and then using what she calls the XYZ statement.

For example, give examples where you know they are a good partner overall, such as being a great friend or being nice to your mother.

Then, follow up by saying: I feel Z (frustrated) when you do X (throw clothes on the floor) in situation Y (instead of putting them in a basket).

And then goes, “Can we talk about this?”

Pointing out specific behaviors can help your spouse or partner handle problems better, rather than accusing them of character flaws such as, “You’re such a sloppy person.”

“We’re locking that person into a place where they don’t know what to say or what to change to alleviate the frustration,” Orbuch said.

If you can, highlight moments of love

Greer says a good way to help hateful moments dissipate more quickly is to build up a reserve of positive emotions.

Pay attention not only to what you like about your partner, but also why they make you feel good.

For example, if your partner sends you flowers, instead of simply thanking them, let them know how you felt when you received them.

Saying you appreciate the flowers, she says, helps reinforce those positive emotions because it shows they hear what you need.

“When you feel love, it’s important to put a label on it,” Greer said. “It’s important to say, ‘You know what, I’m having a moment of loving you.'”