Intimacy and Pleasure – Sex and Relationship Therapy

Scott Brassart

What do you think of when you hear the word intimacy? If you’re like most people, you immediately think of sexual activity. For example, “My partner and I were intimate last night.” This means that my partner and I had sex last night.

You may also be thinking more broadly when it comes to defining intimacy, especially if you are in the process of recovering from your own or your partner’s sex or porn addiction. In this case, you might view intimacy as a pleasurable emotional connection. For example, “My partner and I had the most amazing conversation last night. We each shared our biggest fears and greatest hopes. It was amazing and I feel more connected to my partner now than ever.”

Regardless, you almost certainly associate the word “intimacy” with some kind of pleasurable experience involving yourself and another person. Maybe sharing sexual pleasure. Maybe it’s sharing hopes and dreams, or happy experiences. Maybe it’s as simple as sitting quietly on the couch together, eating popcorn and watching a show you both love.

Sounds good, right?

But this is not a complete definition of intimacy. Intimacy also involves vulnerability (facing fear), recognizing and acknowledging our shortcomings (facing shame), and engaging in disagreements (risking rejection).

Sounds bad, right?

Well, that’s the nature of true intimacy. This is both wonderful and terrifying (sometimes at the same time). That’s okay, because intimacy itself is the cornerstone of a healthy, long-term relationship.

With true intimacy, we allow others to see exactly who we really are. We allow others to see exactly who they are. Warts and more. Even with such shortcomings, we are still able to stick together and love and support each other no matter what – even in the heat of a fight.

In fact, having an argument with someone we love is one of the most intimate things we can do. Because this is the time when we show others who we really are and allow them to show us who they really are. This is when we are willing to risk some unpleasant moments (or even hours) because we can work through our differences (whatever they are) and how we feel about that disagreement (whatever our feelings are).

For people in a close relationship, it’s perfectly okay to disagree at least occasionally, and sometimes it can get heated. For a while, those people may not have liked each other that much. They may even begin to wonder if they really want to be in a conflict-ridden relationship.

The good news about these types of disagreements is that we can all learn and grow from them, both as individuals and as a couple. To achieve this, however, we need to remember that arguments are intimate moments. Arguments are when we each expose our weaknesses, which can scare us a little, which can make us a little defensive and argumentative. But it’s still intimate.

To spend as little time as possible in this intimacy, couples just need to remember in the most intense moments that despite their current differences, they do love and care for each other, and they do want to resolve arguments and stay connected.

Of course, this is easier said than done. That’s why many couples rely on therapy for guidance and emotional buffering to work through their most difficult issues. Other couples find that a set of mutually agreed-upon boundaries helps them get through painful moments.

Several years ago, Dr. Rob Weiss developed a “Respectful Conflict Protocol” that couples can implement when they encounter unpleasant aspects of their relationship. The agreement can be found by clicking this link.

There are many boundaries in this agreement that both couples find very useful. In particular, couples can benefit from the first and last items on the list. The first boundary is, “We agree that we are allies and on the same team.” This allows couples to work together to problem solve (focus on problem solving) rather than fighting each other. The final line is, “If either of us feels we can’t be respectful while trying to resolve a particular conflict, we agree to seek help.” This can prevent an argument from completely going off the rails and causing irreparable harm.

Ultimately, couples need to recognize and accept that not all intimacy is a pleasurable experience. That said, all intimacy helps build stronger, more emotionally connected relationships. From this perspective, even arguments can be seen as helpful (perhaps even integral) to true intimacy.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity provides inpatient treatment for people with sex, pornography, and substance/sex addictions, as well as low-cost online work groups. Meanwhile, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.