How to support a partner who struggles with an erection

5 minutes to read

In the United States alone, erectile dysfunction (ED) affects up to 24% of men. It can be said – this is very common. It’s frustrating, both the person who deals with and their sexual partners.

If your partner is dealing with ED, it can be confused and makes you worry that you are not enough. But here’s the thing: it may not be about the attraction you or your partner will be to you. It doesn’t even have to mean anything negative to your relationship. It may be just about performance anxiety or stress.

Here’s how to deal with it – from a sex therapist who specializes in desire difficulties.

Let them know that it’s okay

In terms of sex, many men and people with penis have already felt extremely anxious. That’s why it’s crucial for you to deal with the problem.

Of course – you may feel frustrated and worried, but expressing this frustration in a way that feels like blame (even if unintentionally) will only make the situation worse.

Just like you can’t control what your body does (or doesn’t) (even if we’re sold out the sexual myth, penis is always hard and sparse, if not, that’s our fault).

Instead, assure your partner that it’s OK and ED doesn’t define them or your relationship.

Let them know that you still want to connect with them, whether it’s through hugs, kisses, or any other feeling good intimacy. The less they feel they let you down and the better they feel about themselves over time.

So will you. Because their erections aren’t something you “execute”.

Try the following: If things don’t go as planned, instead of withdrawing or complaining, it provides a simple, stress-free way to connect. This might urged together or give them a lingering kiss.

Small gestures have come a long way to relieve anxiety and maintain intimacy.

Transfer focus from erection

We are all told that gender = penetration, and everything else is “foreplay”. The truth is, if sex is allowed, it may be more.

There are many ways to experience the pleasure of not requiring an erection together – normality, touch each other, or just explore what it feels good to be in the moment.

The purpose is to connect, not performance, which works for both of you.

Try the following: Instead of “solving” the problem, focus on pleasure – for both of you. Ask yourself: What does it feel good? What opened you? How do you work together to create a fun, stress-free experience?

For some, this may require exploring other sexy areas, or incorporating mental stimulation through dirty conversations or driving motivation. When penetration is not on the table, it can sometimes lead to unexpected pleasure and twists, so embrace it and see where it takes you.

Ask them what they need – no pressure

Erectile dysfunction can be incredibly stressful. We all know that sex and stress don’t go hand in hand.

Rather than assuming what your partner needs, ask them what can help them feel more comfortable. Maybe it’s slowing things down, changing things, or just knowing that you don’t expect anything specific to happen.

Try the following: Use the “us” language instead of the “you” language. For example, instead of saying “you just need to relax,” try “let’s focus together and feel good.”

The more this situation becomes a common experience, the less anxiety they will be with.

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Help them figure out what’s going on (not attending a doctor)

Erectile dysfunction can have many causes – stress, anxiety, medical conditions, or medication side effects. While you can’t diagnose the problem (and they don’t like it even if you can!), you can be a support partner to help them explore possible causes and solutions.

I always recommend that clients see a doctor first, just rule out whether there is any physiological basis. Once you know something, you will also know the fastest way to predict erections.

If stress or anxiety is at work, sexual therapy may change the game of the performance stress cycle.

Try the following: Let your partner know that you are together. Instead of saying “you should see a doctor,” try to say, “I hope we figure this out together – do you want to look at some options?”. Letting them know that you are willing to get help together can help them less alone.

Sometimes, your partner is not ready to ask for help. While this can also be frustrating, it’s important to respect their decisions and get them stuck in an idea before re-proposing the idea.

Make relaxation a common experience

The more stressed the “show”, the harder it is to stay present and enjoy sex. That’s why I often help clients develop mindfulness practices (no, that doesn’t mean meditating in the bedroom to get an erection!).

Mindfulness practice is just about being able to redirect your attention in the moment. The more you practice outside the bedroom – the easier it is to do this during sex. And, when you don’t go away during sex, you’re more likely to get and keep your erection.

Try the following: Before intimacy, try to do something calm together – share a warm bathtub or sensory massage. Moving to a relaxed state together can make a big difference and help your partner stay in the present more naturally.

You can even suggest trying mindfulness practice and downloading the app together.

Erectile dysfunction does not have to last forever

Ultimately, erectile dysfunction is not something you have to accept – but the difficult way you approach your partner can have a big impact on how long it lasts.

While you may feel worried and frustrated right now, there are many things you can do to alleviate their performance anxiety. The more you can approach it as a team, the less pressure and pressure will be, the easier it will be to navigate together.

In my online program: Desire I help you get out of performance patterns and move to pleasure and desire. Stressless sex is the goal, and if you want my help, I’m here.