How Often Does a “Normal” Couple Have Sex? | Aldult Toys Blog

I know deep down that this question is a source of anxiety, desire, and fear of missing out for many people. I myself spent years in relationships with men who had lower libidos than I did, and I always felt like we were having “below average” sex or that I must be in an unbalanced relationship, because clearly having sex only a few times a month is below par. Right?

Here’s the thing: None of those past relationships were right for me, and sex was at least a small part of the equation in most of them. Today, I find myself in a much better relationship with a man whose libido is maybe a little lower, but not extremely low. We have sex about once a week on average, sometimes more, sometimes less. If life really gets in the way (hello 2020) and two full weeks go by, we know we need to deal with it ASAP, but I don’t panic, I count the days and hours of inability as a couple (like I used to). If I’m horny and he’s not, I relish the feeling of dissatisfaction and chalk it up to prolonged teasing and foreplay.

I share all of this with you to make it clear that when it comes to the question of how often a normal or happy couple is supposed to do things wrong, there is no universal answer, no magic formula. And any answer worth its salt will also take into account the dynamics of the relationship, the newness of the relationship, differences in libido, age, values, lifestyle, stress, and health, to name a few.

Let’s take a deeper perspective, shall we?

Numbers

According to a 2017 study published in the Archives of sexual behavior, the average adult does it 54 times a year—or about once a week. Another Study 2015 shows that couples who have sex at least once a week are happier in their relationship than those who have sex less often, but interestingly, as frequency increases to more than once a week, the correlation with happiness is not as clear. Then there is the novelty factor: in general, there is a decrease in frequency and satisfaction among couples who have sex at least once a week. We have been together for longer. Yet another study conducted by the Kinsey Institute break things down by age: People under 30 have sex an average of 112 times a year (2 or more times a week)This figure drops to 86 times per year for those in their thirties, 69 for those in their forties and 52 times for those in their fifties and over.

Q: But the first study said that once a week was normal for all adults in general? I have sex once a week and I’m not over 50!

A: Statistics are generally very imprecise. It is also important to note that the term “sex” is very broad and can include many sexual acts. In other words, definitions can vary greatly from person to person.

Ultimately, the most important factor in maintaining a relationship is keeping that spark alive through intimacy, and many find that once a week or so does just that. That said, if that feels like way too much or way too little for you and your partner, it doesn’t make you any less normal, happy, or healthy, for whatever those labels are worth.

The pressures

The pressure to have sex more often than we would naturally want to is everywhere, so much so that it has become normalized. Our hypersexualized pop culture communicates ideas about the normal frequency of sex through sitcoms, movies, music, and magazines, to name a few, but in my opinion, we deserve stronger sexual role models.

Couples counselor Raffi Bilek points out“Couples often make the mistake of aiming for a certain number of things to feel good about their sex life. The truth is, what’s comfortable for you and your partner is your norm. You don’t need to have more or less sex than you’d like.”

I don’t know about you, but this hits home. I have to remind myself that I’m not mad if I’m not horny all the time. For years, being horny was a part of my identity. Before I was in a healthy relationship, I never once turned down sex with a partner because I always felt like I had to take advantage of the opportunity before it passed me by. Now, we do it when we’re on the same page and we’re both really feeling it.

‘Boredom’

In most long-term relationships, some level of routine sets in after 2 or 3 years. Many couples have already explored a lot and finding new or exciting things doesn’t come as naturally to them. For some, routine is a sign of comfort, security, and familiarity. For others, it’s a sign of boredom, disappointment, or even incompatibility. It’s perfectly normal to feel a little bored or understimulated from time to time, but if your relationship is going strong, a little creativity and effort (with a touch of kinkiness, for those who want it) can still go a long way in maintaining vitality. It’s how you approach “keeping things interesting” that’s crucial to that lasting happiness and satisfaction—you know, the really juicy stuff.

Quality vs. Quantity

Perspective, perspective. What’s better? Having an unsatisfying quickie every day, or having a 4-hour multi-orgasmic tantric sex session once every 2 weeks? These may be extreme cases, but I mention them to illustrate a point: quality trumps quantity (most of the time). You to find out whether sexual frequency is an indicator of deeper issues in your relationship, or whether or not the libido differences are irreconcilable.

Bottom line: communicate. Talk openly about your needs and fantasies, and if the frequency of sex is a source of anxiety in your relationship, talk about that too. Some issues tend to go away when you talk about them openly. Plus, verbal and psychological intimacy tends to greatly improve sexual intimacy. If it turns out you’re not compatible, you’ll know it, and there will be other signs besides sex.

Whatever you do, don’t compare yourself to statistics! <3