Here’s Why the 5 Love Languages ​​Really Matter (Like a

There’s no “right” way to show someone you care. Everyone gives and receives love in different ways. But if you and your partner disagree about how you need to feel loved, it can be frustrating and lead to miscommunication or mismatched expectations. Let me introduce you to the love languages.

Theorized by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book, The Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, love language is all about how you demonstrate and acknowledge love. According to Dr. Chapman, there are five main ways to show love: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. How you show affection also tends to be how you prefer to receive affection. Most people have one or two love languages ​​that they naturally gravitate toward. However, all five are important aspects of a healthy relationship, so don’t focus on just one and neglect the others.

Knowing your love language and your partner’s love language is a great way to facilitate communication. For example, if you need your partner to tell you how much you mean to them (words of affirmation), but they show their love by doing small errands for you (acts of service), you won’t feel as valued as you’d like. Even if your partner is constantly showing you affection, if it’s not in a way that you appreciate, you’re bound to feel frustrated.

You don’t need to have the same love language as your partner to be successful as a couple. Instead, you each need to understand each other’s love language. This requires recognizing that what’s important to your partner may be different than what’s important to you. Your partner grew up in a different family, perhaps in a different culture, and has their own unique needs and desires. If your partner doesn’t know their love language, it’s pretty easy to figure it out: Observe how they express love for you and others, and notice what they ask for or complain about most often. Think about what would comfort them most after a hard day: Is it a pep talk, spending a nice evening together, surprising them with their favorite dessert, making them dinner, or cuddling with them?

Love languages ​​aren’t just for romantic relationships—they can apply to friendships, too. Every relationship dynamic is about communicating your needs to one another, and love languages ​​are a great way to simplify that. If it’s not immediately obvious what your or your partner’s love language is, there are a few simple tests you can do. Read on to find out how each love language is expressed.

1. Words of affirmation

Show your love by affirming your love for the other person through your words. This means giving unsolicited compliments, telling the other person how much they mean to you, or sending them a text to let them know you’re thinking of them. Hearing “I love you” is important, and hearing the reasons behind it is even more important. People who appreciate words of affirmation need to hear you verbalize your feelings, and criticism can be especially hurtful.

2. Quality time

Show your love by giving someone your full attention when you spend time together. This means being fully present, not just making an effort to spend time together. For people who value quality time, it’s not so much the time you spend together that matters, but how you spend that time. When their partner is distracted when they’re together, they may feel ignored or unappreciated. Postponing or skipping special dates can be especially detrimental to them. Improving quality time might mean making an extra effort to put down your phone, have meaningful conversations, or show interest in activities your partner enjoys.

3. Gifts

Showing love through gifts. People who appreciate receiving gifts are not materialistic. Instead, they appreciate not only the gift itself, but also the thoughtfulness and effort that went into it. The perfect gift shows that their partner listens to them, understands them, and cares about them. They appreciate small, everyday gifts, like flowers, a note, or a coffee. They may take missing an anniversary or birthday or receiving a hasty, thoughtless gift very personally.

4. Acts of service

Show love by doing practical tasks for someone. This means doing unsolicited thoughtful or helpful things for your partner, like doing the dishes, fixing their bike, or making them coffee. For people who value acts of service, actions speak louder than words. They may not always explicitly acknowledge their actions as acts of love, so take note of the little things they do to make your life easier. Laziness, not following through on commitments, or giving them more work are signs of disrespect. For people with disabilities or mental health issues, acts of service can be especially meaningful when they don’t have the energy to do things for themselves. Acts of service are also often a primary love language between parents and children; for example, parents doing chores to care for their children, while children doing chores to help their parents.

5. Physical contact

Show your love through physical affection. This doesn’t always have to be sexual: it can mean holding your partner’s hand, cuddling, or rubbing their back. People who enjoy physical touch may value public displays of affection more or have a higher sex drive, but not always. If your physical desires don’t match or you’re not comfortable showing affection in public, you need to be very sensitive in how you discuss your boundaries. If you don’t respond or reciprocate, your partner may feel rejected, whereas thoughtful touches throughout the day show that you care and care about them.

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