Healing your broken relationship: Learn to be effective

Erin Snow

In his book Outside the Dog House, author Robert Weiss lists specific things for men (or women) who engage in sexual infidelity (with or without sexual addiction/compulsiveness) that can help patch the relationships that it damages.

According to Dr. Weiss, you can take action to fix other important links:

• Develop empathy for your partner.
• Learn to disagree in a healthy and productive way.
• Rather than telling your partner what you care about, it’s better to say.
• Always keep in mind the need to rebuild relationship trust.
• Predict and respond to potential hazards before they occur.
• Don’t forget to take care of yourself.
• Thank you to your partner.
• Think of love as a verb.

In this article, we will look at the second item in this list: Learn to disagree in a healthy and productive way.

It’s not fun to be in a dog house after cheating (with or without sexual addiction/compulsive sex). First, your betrayal partner seems to be angry with you for no reason, and there is almost nothing you can do. In most cases, you just need to sit there and take it away. Usually that’s what your partner wants. But sometimes, your partner will want to argue with you. In fact, no matter how hard you try, he or she will almost likely insist on doing so.

In these cases, it sometimes helps to remember that disagreement is not a bad thing. Believe it or not, the argument can develop into a deeper relationship intimacy. Furthermore, your partner’s desire to argue with you shows that they still care about you. Think about it: Are you arguing with someone you don’t care about or a subject you don’t care about? Probably not. So your partner wants to fight you, which shows that your relationship is still important. The trick, of course, is to learn to resolve these conflicts in a way that strengthens rather than reduces relationships, which can be very difficult after infidelity betrayal.

Dr. Weiss noted that when his clients seem to disagree and fight without completing many processes, he provides them with the following guide to respecting conflict.

Respectful conflict agreements

The purpose of this Agreement is to create a safe and intimate environment for dialogue when we are in conflict. It provides a way to build respectful norms and boundaries to make emotionally expressed and ensure both parties can hear it even if full consent is not reached.

• We agree that we are allies and the same team.
• We agree to review this agreement weekly and before attempting to resolve any conflicts. We agree to do our best to maintain this Agreement.
• If any of us need timeout to calm down, we agree in advance that the first pause will last fifteen minutes. The person asking for timeout agreed to say, “I need to timeout fifteen minutes. I didn’t leave the discussion or relationship. I just needed a short stop.” The person then left the room, walked a short walk, or had a brief phone conversation with a support friend, and then returned on time to complete the discussion.
• We agree to limit discussions on loading topics to twenty minutes. If both of us wish, we can use a timer. When the time comes, if the conflict is not resolved, we will agree to continue the discussion for another twenty minutes, or schedule future time to complete the conversation.
• We agree to discuss the loaded topics after 9:00 am or 9:00 pm. (It can be adjusted according to the needs and lifestyle of the couple.)
• We agree that we will not engage in names, we will not use offensive language, nor will we be emotionally abused.
• We agree that we will not be physically abused. This includes but is not limited to pushing, hitting, slamming the door and breaking or throwing things. We also agree not to participate in threatening behaviors that threaten our partners’ fears, such as threats of abandonment or exile. If any of us are afraid of each other, we agree to be honest with ourselves.
• We agree to identify issues that need to be discussed and only retain conversations about that issue. At the same time, we learn that for one of us or a core issue in the past, the problem at hand can trigger core issues in childhood or elsewhere in the past. When this happens, we agree to distinguish the present and the past as much as possible.
• We agree not to try to resolve conflicts when driving, on the bed, working days, employment locations, when hostility may escalate (such as after a few drinks), or when we alone feel low, vulnerable, tired, hungry, or otherwise inconsistent with the task.
• We agree not to attempt to conflict in public places or in the presence of family members (especially our children). If conflict occurs during these periods, we agree to acknowledge the feelings of discomfort and set the time to discuss this issue.
• We agree to the conversation with the couple praying to end conflict resolution. (If the couple doesn’t want to participate in the prayer, we usually recommend a couple-centric affirmation, such as: “We love each other, we know that our differences and differences are normal parts of any relationship. We choose not to let them define us or make us doubt our love.”)
• We agree to seek help if neither of us can maintain respect in an attempt to resolve a particular disagreement.

We are willing and cordial to sign the agreement.

Partner’s signature A:

Signature of partner b:

For most readers, the principles in this Agreement appear relatively logical and direct. However, these common-sense guidelines are still difficult to follow. Because of this reality, Dr. Weiss notes that he always emphasizes the first item on the list: We agree that we are allies, in the same team. This principle is key to you and your partner. You need to understand that you are not fighting each other, but fighting problems. When two people agree that they are in the same team (the team that wants to make things better) tends to dissipate and it becomes easier to work towards a common goal.

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If you or a loved one is struggling with sexual, pornography, or material/sex addiction, seeking integrity can help. In addition to residential rehabilitation, we offer low-cost online workgroups for both male addicts and male porn addicts, which is a new rehabilitation. Click here for information about our Sex Addiction Working Group. Click here for information about our Porn Addiction Working Group.