FF: The Radical Husband: Accommodating Her Needs and Desires

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Now, what do you mean by “need”? I say I feel sorry for those who live with a spouse who only feels like they have to meet needs, not wants. Of course, in most marriages, this isn’t so clear-cut.

We readily give what we enjoy giving, and what we don’t find too difficult to give. We don’t argue over what we want or need. We begin to draw boundaries when our spouse expresses a desire for something we don’t want to do, don’t enjoy doing, find difficult, or don’t value. When we don’t want to, we argue about wants versus needs.

We often argue this point in our minds to justify our actions. We think, “I give her what she needs and a lot of what she wants.”. It doesn’t matter, you didn’t give her three of the four things she wanted most. You gave her something less important to her, thinking that would make up for it. Of course, if she fails to satisfy you any greatest desire, you get frustrated. But that’s different, right? What we want is reasonable, what she wants is unreasonable. should be It was easy for her and some of the things she wanted were hard for us. She has more free time, or less stress in her life, or… well, there must be some reason why it’s wrong for her to say no, and it’s understandable for me to say no!

Or maybe we’re just being selfish? I know of course I am!

Here’s a plan: Spend less time looking for reasons why her wishes and needs can’t be met, and more time getting those wishes met. Treat them all as valid needs and focus on the ones she thinks are most important. If she wants it, there’s nothing wrong with it and it won’t cause problems (including but not limited to financial ones), then give her whatever you can.

Will this cause her to start doing the same thing for you? Almost certainly: but don’t do it for this reason. Do it because it’s the right thing to do. Do it because you love her. Do it because she deserves it. Become a Radical Husband!

[This post first appeared Sept 19, 2012.]

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