Exclusive | Meet the “I Do…No” Generation: Young Women

Being someone’s wife was not something 29-year-old New Yorker Karly B. wanted to do.

Happily in love with your boyfriend of nine years? Check.

Marry him? Absolutely not.

Matt H., 30, who works at a public relations and branding agency and asked that the couple’s last name not be used, said it doesn’t mean anything to him. Before the two met, the 29-year-old had made it a point to avoid romantic relationships with men who wanted wedding bells and children.

“That’s a very important ground rule for me before getting into any kind of relationship,” the East Village resident told The Washington Post. “I don’t necessarily need a contract to tell me about my relationship with my partner, or to tell me that I love him more than I would without a contract. I know exactly how we feel about each other, and I feel good about it.”

While many of Carly’s fellow singles and those looking for a partner swipe endlessly on dating apps hoping for their happily ever after, she “has never been the girl who makes Pinterest boards for her weddings or dreams about what her wedding will look like.”

Put on a ring, lock everything in, and head to City Hall to get a piece of paper—not for Carly, whose parents are divorced, but that’s not why she doesn’t want to get married. When the Pennsylvania natives met on Tinder, the 29-year-old was brutally honest with them when asked about their marriage plans.

“I usually say, ‘That’s not what I want for myself’ or ‘We would never do that,'” Carly admitted to The Washington Post. “I think by saying that I made them think there was something wrong with our relationship, but that’s not the case. I made a decision and he agreed with it, which is fine.”

Carly is one of many women her age who are either single or in monogamous heterosexual relationships who are determined not to get married and are considered part of the “I won’t get married” generation. According to a 2023 Pew Research Center study, nearly half of U.S. women now say they don’t believe marriage is necessary for a fulfilling life—and are apathetic to a tradition they feel no longer serves them.

“There’s a wave of women who are either reconsidering marriage or giving it up altogether — and it’s getting louder every year. It’s about autonomy, peace, and building your life around what feels right rather than what tradition dictates,” relationship coach Jacqui Del Rosario, Ph.D., told The Washington Post.

Carly said she and Matt have been through it all together when they were dating for so long: dating long distance, graduating college and leaving their jobs at the same time. “But, nine years later, I still don’t want to get married, and he knows that,” she said. Still, she admits, he’d be happy to do it if she agreed.

“I was the one pushing this harder than him, but he knew it from day one. If there was any idea that he wanted a marriage, wanted a family beyond what I could give him, then we needed to break up and work this out on our own terms,” ​​Carly said.

Considering that today’s generation of young, independent women is surpassing men in earning college degrees, buying their own homes (almost doubling in the past 40 years), and holding executive positions in Fortune 500 companies (increasing from 15% to 29% in the past 8 years), an important question remains: Will women benefit from marriage by 2025?

“There’s evidence that men do get more health and emotional benefits from marriage because they often receive more support than they give,” Mike Kocsis, a hormonal health expert at Balance My Hormones, told The Washington Post. “Without balancing responsibilities, marriage becomes more beneficial for men.”

Jess Iacullo, 30, couldn’t agree more.

She and boyfriend Ross Antonich, 32, have been dating for five years and are head over heels for each other, but she doesn’t see a wedding in their future.

The eldest of three children, the New Jersey native, who owns her own social media marketing and content creation agency, told The Washington Post that growing up she was always independent and career-oriented and, although she was raised by happily married parents, she never gave much thought to relationships or marriage.

“I never said, ‘Oh, I would wear this wedding dress, or I can’t wait to have a big wedding.'” Instead, I would watch romantic comedies and think, ‘I want that career.’ I want her wardrobe,” she shared with The Washington Post.

Now in her 30s, Yaculo shudders at the outdated concept of even saying “I do” to the man she loves, because she believes becoming a wife subconsciously forces women to give up a part of themselves.

“I feel like I have such a deep-seated identity. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a marriage where the woman lost her identity in the marriage. Instead [remaining] The ‘I’ became ‘we,’” the 30-year-old explained.

Despite knowing they wanted to spend their lives together, Iacullo told The Washington Post that she and her musician boyfriend currently live in Pittsburgh but are in no rush to move in together and have been on the “not getting married” bandwagon for the duration of their relationship.

Or, at least, Rose acquiesced in his partner’s choice. “Marriage seems to be best when both parties really want it and each other wants it,” he told The Washington Post. “If this were not the case, its necessity and significance would be diminished.”

Instead, Iacullo explains, “our conversations about the future are [more] In terms of how we see each other’s careers and how we see our future together, I think that’s more important than, “Okay, when do we want to get engaged or get married?”

Yaculo said that no matter how far a woman gets in society, she feels it’s difficult to avoid falling into stereotypical gender roles once a couple enters the couple realm.

“Some guys really want a girl who will cook and clean for them. So they want to date their mom? I can’t even imagine being with a guy who would expect those things,” the entrepreneur revealed.

Women these days seem to want an equal partnership, not a boy husband to look after.

“Our generation has more freedom and more choices than our parents did. Financial independence means no one has to marry in order to survive,” Del Rosario noted.

“The emotional labor that women perform—organizing a household, managing everyone’s happiness—looks unattractive if it’s not balanced. No one wants to be ‘lost’ in unpaid work or someone else’s dreams. If marriage is on the table, it will be on equal terms, without sacrificing the ego,” the expert explained to The Washington Post.

But not all men agree.

One unnamed 33-year-old single male New Yorker told the Washington Post, “I understand why women today feel like marriage no longer benefits them, but it’s frustrating to many of us good people who want an equal partnership and would never expect our wives to be our ‘mother’ figures.

“I grew up watching my parents fall in love with each other, and I’ve always longed for that bond. To me, marriage felt like a way to formalize our love and celebrate it in front of our closest friends and family. Sure, it was just a piece of paper… but it meant so much to me and I have so much hope for my future wife.”

Chloe Bow, 33, strongly disagrees. After breaking off her engagement to a long-term partner, she realized she didn’t want to sacrifice her self for the sake of marriage.

Breaking up with her ex-boyfriend, whom Bow met and dated in her 20s, was a difficult decision, but she ended her engagement to find happiness, which as a single person “was very rewarding and satisfying,” she said.

“I think we as women, especially millennial women, have bought into this narrative [through movies and the media] “The girl and the boy got together, they got married, had kids, got a house and lived happily ever after,” she explained to The Washington Post. [marriage] This didn’t really translate into happiness for me, I thought it was more of a hindrance. “

this The former social worker turned content creator admitted that ending her engagement made her question whether she wanted to get married.

“The more time I spent and the more women I spent talking to and especially listening to women online, I was like, ‘Okay, this is happening and I feel like I identify with this way of thinking. I don’t want to get married. This doesn’t seem like it’s going to benefit me,'” the Toronto resident explained.

“I really can’t remember a time when I was in a relationship or dating and I felt consistently happy, comfortable, relaxed, and enjoying life,” she admitted to the Washington Post. “There was always worry, stress, worry, or frustration, and it was never as calm as focusing on me..“

Today, Bow’s happiness stems from the independent life she has created for herself and her new puppy.

“One of the things I’ve been practicing is completely, completely accepting myself. Not feeling ashamed, not feeling bad about any of my decisions, just trying to accept myself and enjoy my life,” she told The Washington Post, which could include a cozy night in, spending time with friends or traveling around the world.

“If I’m lucky enough to be an older woman and look back on my life, I don’t want to waste a minute worrying that I won’t like it.”