embrace change

Dr. David Fawcett

Change is one of the most persistent yet destructive aspects of life. Changes can cause unpleasant feelings in addicts, such as alienation, confusion, depression, and even severe pain.

While change is difficult and unpredictable, it is also inevitable. Martha Beck’s book, Finding Your Own North Star: Seizing the Life You’re Meant to Live, identifies three situations in which change occurs.

• shock: It’s a change that originates outside of ourselves—the death of a loved one, a car accident, or other unfortunate event.
• Chance: It was also a change that came from the outside, but we saw it as a positive – a lucky break.
• transition: It is a change that develops slowly from within, appearing in our consciousness before integrating into our lives.

Baker’s book also identifies “styles of change” that may be evident in us or others. Although her naming schemes are light-hearted, they do convey the seriousness of the various patterns people adopt in coping with change.

These modes are as follows:

• Chaos Commando: This person likes the idea of ​​change, but gets bored easily and doesn’t follow through.
• Big dreamers, little doers: This person is a great imagineer but is unable to translate his vision into action.
• Realist, not idealist: This is a person who falls in love with another person’s vision and makes that vision a reality.
• Rock of Gibraltar: This type of person performs well in predictable environments but is unable to adapt to new situations.

None of these styles help us adapt to change in a healthy way. This highlights the need for a framework of steps we can take to fully understand and effectively respond to the inevitable transitions we encounter in life.

No matter how your life has changed, and no matter what your style of change, it’s helpful to have some general steps to guide you in moving from shock to health.

Back to the first party

One of the first reactions to any change event is a feeling that everything is falling apart. We grieve and feel as though everything we’ve always known is suddenly turned upside down. In the chaos of this initial response, we have the opportunity to re-evaluate aspects of our lives, such as living situations, unresolved issues, or other specific needs, such as developing our social support network. It is also an opportunity to re-examine our new surroundings from a different perspective, learning about them more from a place of recovery rather than fear.

consider possibilities

As the initial shock of change begins to abate, it is important to consider its impacts, including new opportunities that may arise. This is a time to focus, be mindful, imagine what could be, and cultivate our inner vision. It is useful to spend some quiet time alone and use our minds and hearts to try to discern the right path. In these moments, we should reflect on thoughts like “Wouldn’t it be nice if…” and “I’d love to…”. These thoughts help open our minds to possibilities that we may not have considered before this change.

A type of psychotherapy called solution-focused therapy uses the following “miracle questions” to help clients transcend self-imposed limitations. This helps them understand what their lives would be like under different assumptions and beliefs.

Suppose tonight, while you were sleeping, a miracle happened. When you wake up tomorrow, what are the things you will notice that indicate your life has suddenly changed for the better?

It’s amazing how often such a simple question can yield profound insights that help us overcome the barriers that limit our vision.

Solve specific problems

Once we’ve addressed any feelings about the change itself and begun to imagine how it represents an opportunity, it’s time to put our plans into action. This requires flexibility, perseverance and resilience. It’s helpful to get input from trustworthy people because as addicts, we sometimes impulsively veer off in directions that may be wrong. Such feedback can also help us anticipate pitfalls and help us creatively design solutions to overcome obstacles that once held us back.

Participate in maintenance and monitoring

The final step requires maintaining and monitoring the changes we implemented as a result of the catalytic event. Like other stages in this framework, this requires a degree of adaptability and a willingness to make ongoing adjustments to our plans as they encounter reality. This step, like the others, requires a level of self-awareness in order to understand our feelings and behaviors and keep us from going off track.

Whether we welcome it or not, change is inevitable. Adopting a framework to manage our reactions and seize potential opportunities can ensure that we embrace this universal aspect of being alive.

* * * * * * * * * * *

If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity provides inpatient treatment for people with sex, pornography, and substance/sex addictions, as well as low-cost online work groups. Meanwhile, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.

The post Embracing Change appeared first on Sex & Relationship Therapy.