Betrayed Partner: Tips for Staying Sane During the Holidays

Erin Snow

If you’re like me, when you hear the word holiday You imagine a Norman Rockwell style family scene – mom, dad, a boy, a girl, a cat, a dog, two sets of grandparents who really love their son or daughter-in-law – everyone All gathered around the roaring fire to watch the children happily opening toy fire trucks and dolls. Of course, the fireplace is red brick. The wallpaper is flocked. Most of my mother’s hairstyles are Aqua Net. Behind Dad’s easy chair sits a jolly, sparkling-eyed Santa Claus.

Because that’s what the holidays are like, right?

Well, maybe not. The truth is, no matter which holiday we choose to celebrate, it’s usually filled with stress, anxiety, and to-do lists that are several times longer than usual. For those of us dealing with issues like anxiety, depression, addiction, and relationship betrayal, it can feel like there’s a shadow lurking around every holiday corner. Still, we all feel at least a little (or a lot) of social pressure to have a happy, loving, connected holiday season. nonstop.

But life is not a Norman Rockwell painting. Our decor will not be perfect. We would overcook the ham. Not every loved one will love every gift we give. But that doesn’t stop us from thinking the holidays are the perfect time of year Unless we mess up. We feel like everyone else is celebrating the holidays by Martha Stewart standards.

So yes, the holidays can be stressful. In the midst of all this craziness, it’s easy to lose sight of the most important things in life: wholeness, joy, and connection. Isn’t that what the holidays are really about? Without this, enjoying the wonderful time on vacation is almost impossible.

The good news is that there are many simple things we can do to ground ourselves when we feel overwhelmed about the holidays (or anything else, for that matter). First and foremost, we can check in with ourselves to see where we are emotionally and mentally by asking ourselves the following questions:

• Do I feel impulsive or obsessive about anything?
• Do I have idealized (i.e., unrealistic) expectations for myself, my family, my friends, or holiday gatherings?
• At this moment, am I feeling hungry, angry, anxious, lonely, tired?
• Did I keep any (non-gift) secrets or lie?

If we answer yes to one or more of these questions, we should take the opposite action. Some things to consider are:

• Practice basic self-care: Yes, we are all busy trying to create the perfect vacation for ourselves and our loved ones. But we still need to eat right, exercise and get enough sleep. If we don’t, we increase stress and increase the likelihood of anxiety, depression, shame, and resentment. Often, it’s helpful to schedule some quiet time each day to relax and clear your mind.
• Trigger plan: The holidays are filled with people, events, and obligations that can trigger anxiety, depression, shame, and resentment in us. Often, these things can be anticipated in advance. In such situations, we can prepare a workable plan to face them to stay sane. We can connect with friends before and after these potential triggers occur. We can take our loved ones with us for support and companionship. We can discuss these potential triggers with our support network and seek advice on how best to deal with them. ETC.
• Accept that others will not behave the way we want them to: People are strange and often unpleasant creatures, and there is nothing we can do to change them. What are we able All we have to do is change our attitude toward their erratic behavior. We can remind ourselves that our mother-in-law follows us around the kitchen with endless suggestions the right way To make green bean casserole, our cousin will put half a stick of butter on each dinner roll and our kids will be on a sugar high for two weeks. When we step back from it all and consciously choose to accept and love the people around us, we may find them interesting instead of annoying. Or, if we feel the need to be self-righteous (and who doesn’t?), we can view our generous acceptance of others and their horrific habits as our holiday gift to the world.
• Find gratitude: Okay, this is the big devil. Whatever form of emotional discomfort we feel, gratitude heals it. People with anxiety, depression, stress, and resentment are often instructed to make a 10-item gratitude list every morning and refer to the list frequently during the day, since it’s nearly impossible to feel grateful and unhappy at the same time. So when we’re feeling down during the holidays, pausing and creating a ten-item gratitude list can be a very powerful way to shift our mood. We can be grateful that we have a home, a job, a family, healthy children, food in the refrigerator, etc. When we do this, the stress and resentment we feel about the holidays becomes less important.

No matter what we do this holiday season, we need to stay grounded. This means we must remember that taking care of ourselves and staying connected to our loved ones is the real goal, perhaps the only goal. With that in mind, the best holiday gifts we can give ourselves and our families may include at least a little self-care, acceptance, and gratitude.

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