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Are you getting cold feet or are you looking for the wrong person? : 5 ways to know
Have you ever lied awake at night thinking… “Hmm… chickening out or looking for the wrong person?”
Fortunately, there’s a huge difference between having a normal, healthy, appropriate sense of nerves or hesitation around the person you’re engaged to, and having legitimate red flags that should be cause for concern.
In this article, I will help you differentiate between normal, appropriate anxiety and true dysfunction in your relationship.
Are you getting cold feet or are you looking for the wrong person? : Understand the difference
Some people will tell you that any sign of getting cold feet is a problem.
They’ll say that any nervousness, hesitation, or anxiety is a bad sign and means you’re about to marry the wrong partner.
In fact, this is not the case.
As humans, we are a dynamic, complex mixture of different emotions. Our past experiences (especially our childhoods and past relationships) shape us in millions of small, often imperceptible ways. Everyone has different levels of sensitivity, attunement, anxiety, or analytical abilities.
Therefore, when people think that “any” tension in marriage is inherently a problem, they are looking at human beings through an oversimplified lens.
And…it’s also important to acknowledge that sometimes, persistent fear, anxiety, or dissonant emotions will try to direct your attention to something legitimate that you need to think about seriously.
So if you’re sleeping at night, stressed out, and overthinking until you have a headache, here are five things that will guide you in figuring out whether your fear is just a temporary mood swing, rather than just a temporary mood swing. Something you need to take more seriously.
What follows is deep and often challenging self-reflective work.
If you don’t, you risk marrying the wrong person (which can have negative consequences for decades). But just make an effort to do this, and you’ll set yourself up for a smoother life. Your future self will thank you.
Well, let’s dig a little deeper.
Getting cold feet or choosing the wrong person: 5 things to consider
1. Know what you’re primarily looking for in a partner
Ultimately, every major decision we make in life (where to live, what job to do, whether to have children, who to marry, etc.) will have pros and cons.
This is inevitable. There is no perfect solution that perfectly meets all our needs.
However, it is crucial to understand who you are and what you really need (in life and in relationships).
Input: your core values.
Set aside some time to understand your core values. Your core values are the things in your life that mean more to you than anything else.
For example, maybe you value beauty, adventure, and creativity. Or maybe you value peace, connection, and stability.
If you’re not sure about your core values, here are two things you can do to find them.
For the first exercise, take out a blank piece of paper. At the top of the page write “The things that make life worth living are…” and then complete the sentence at least 20-30 times. Once you’ve done this, see if you can find some common ground between the answers.
For the second exercise, you’ll track yourself over a week or two. Whenever one of two things happens, you’ll want to write it down somehow (either in your phone or in a little journal you carry with you). You’ll notice when you notice two things: 1) your heart feels especially happy, or 2) your heart feels most angry, hurt, or sad. At the end of the collection period, you will again need to find the common thread of answers. What did you notice? What types of things cause strong emotional reactions in you, either positive or negative?
Once you find your core values, you can feel… Does my significant other align with these values? Do they seem to share some of them? Do they support my values in my life if they are not their primary values?
It’s good to have someone who shares and/or supports your core values. Conversely, people who have zero overlap with your core values and/or don’t support (or actively try to suppress) your core values can become a long-term problem.
2. Observe how they make you feel
The mind is a Pandora’s box of noise. Its job is to feel anxious, unsure and question everything.
Therefore, it’s important to lower your thoughts and feel how your body reacts when you’re around your partner.
Is your abdominal/solar plexus tense or relaxed? Are your hands clenched, or are you reaching for them? Is your heart soft and open, or tense and guarded?
Are you more excited or anxious when you are about to meet them? When you are apart, do you mainly feel fulfilled and grateful, or tired and relaxed?
Now, how our bodies react isn’t a black-and-white answer, because sometimes our physical experience with our partner can be unfairly affected by our past relationships and other factors. But it’s still something to be aware of, and simply observe with a neutral, curious awareness.
Another thing to feel is, if someone you just met told you, “Wow, you look a lot like (your partner’s name)…” would your first reaction be good or bad? For example, do you primarily feel honored and pleased when they compare the two of you? Or will you feel defensive, even hurt? Again, just a few things to note.
3. Review whether this is situational stress or a personal red flag
Engagement is a time in life filled with change and situational stress.
You’re planning a wedding, dealing with subtle changes in family relationships, and grieving the loss of your singlehood. This period of life comes with many changes in identity, which can cause a lot of stress for even the most stable, happiest of people.
But it’s important not to project the stress of this particular season onto your partner and blame them for stress when it may not have anything to do with them at all.
If you’re feeling the stress of the season, that’s completely normal. But if you’re feeling stressed because your inner magnifying glass is trying to point out legitimate red flags in your partner, that’s a different story entirely.
If your partner is frequently rude, harsh, dismissive, or humiliating, it’s worth paying attention to and possibly discussing with them.
If your partner has a serious addiction (substance or behavior) and it’s negatively affecting your relationship, that’s cause for concern.
If your partner makes it clear that their vision for their life is completely disconnected from what you want for your life, that’s also something to be concerned about.
4. Note any similar patterns in past relationships
Assuming you’ve dated other people in your life before your partner, it’s wise to check to see if you’ve had similar feelings in the past.
Your feelings may be more intense now (if this is your first engagement) because the stakes are higher now than they were then.
But it might be helpful to keep this in mind: “Oh, by the way, I’ve also had partner anxiety in the past. So maybe this, at least in part, is just a characteristic of me and doesn’t necessarily mean I shouldn’t be with this people together.”
It’s a fact of life that some people are just more on the anxious side. That would be great! On this massive planet of billions of people, we all bring our own unique talents to the table.
So if you’ve found yourself experiencing anxiety in past relationships, this is a data point to pay attention to and maybe let yourself off the hook a little bit.
5. Slow down and feel yourself
Adjust your internal dialogue. Are you rationalizing away valid concerns? Ignoring deeper inner wisdom? Feeling deep peace (in your body/mind) despite being nervous?
As I mentioned, the mind always expresses fear, doubt, worry. This is what the mind does.
When you slow down and feel yourself deeply…
Think “What” when you trade “What if!?” Think…
When you trust your gut more than your anxiety…
What did you notice?
How do you feel?
If you find it difficult to get out of your mental death spiral and get stuck in fear-based thinking, try going for a walk. Ideally, try taking a walk in nature. Move slowly and deliberately, feeling yourself. So what did you notice?
Underneath your thoughts all the time, you will find that your tendency is one way or the other. My advice: Trust that voice.
When to seek outside support
Still not sure if you should stay or leave? Go the extra mile and commit, or cancel the wedding as soon as possible?
The next step will be to seek external support.
Ask friends what they think. Ask a trusted parent or mentor. Hire a local therapist. Or talk to me.
The “should I stay or should I go” conversation is one of my favorite conversations. So if you’re still not sure what you should do, I recommend you check out some of the resources below, and/or request a conversation with me on this page so we can work out a way to give you some clarity on the situation or other.
Conclusion and further resources
Remember, all relationships involve deep and nuanced challenges that you need to think about from time to time. You have not failed. This is a normal part of being human.
You’re not the first person to experience engagement anxiety, and you won’t be the last.
I also understand (and have experienced firsthand) how difficult it can be to feel like you’re drowning in your own thoughts, fears, and worries. But you are not alone.
Ultimately, realizing what you want out of life, prioritizing it, and then seeing if your partner is compatible with your vision for life will get you far.
I’d be happy to contact you if we plan to talk to each other in the near future. If not, I wish you a pleasant journey.
Committed to your success,
Jordan
poetry. Are you unsure whether the person you’re about to get engaged to is the right person for you? Afraid of getting restless on your wedding day? I am here to support you in clarifying this important decision. You can request a one-to-one coaching session with me through my coaching page. Especially with this topic, I always make it a priority to talk to you as soon as possible.
pps. If you liked this article about cold feet or people who are wrong, you will also like checking out the following resources:
– Participation Anxiety: Why am I more scared than happy?
– How I met my wife
– Growth feels like death because it is death
– I used to think married men were idiots
– Emotional Engagement: A Bride’s Guide to Spending the Happiest Times of Your Life (book)
– Also, here’s a recent podcast episode (below) that my wife and I did talking about engagement anxiety and all the issues we’re having as we navigate this tricky time in our lives.
