Addicts: Four Ways to Strengthen Your Love Bonds

Dr. Robert Weiss, LCSW

Most of us tend to think of love as that gooey feeling we get when we’re in the presence of a specific person. You know, too nervous to focus on anything but the other person, interested in every nuance of who they are, what they think, and what they want to do next.

this Feel Love, which is especially common at the beginning of a new romantic relationship, is known in the therapy community as Limerence. Limerence is a stage in a relationship when the other person’s presence is like a gift from God because everything the person thinks, says, and does is perfect. Even the things that pissed us off so much with people we dated before seem to be okay with this new person because, well, because we love each other and it feels absolutely awesome.

Unfortunately, infatuation is not love. When we first started dating, it might have felt like love, but it wasn’t love. It’s the kickstarter that gets two people together long enough to experience true love, but it’s not love. Love is not a feeling (although we do feel love) but an intimate emotional bond that is strengthened over time through a series of vulnerable and supportive actions. We take action to build love. We take action to strengthen love. Over time, a close emotional bond – love – occurs.

This can happen even if your relationship is in trouble because of infidelity, addiction, or some other distressing issue. In the space below, I outline four actions you can take to strengthen your love bond with your partner.

1. think and talk us and our instead of I and mine. When you talk to your partner, try expressing love in a positive way: us and our instead of I and mine. This simple shift in language may seem inconsequential, but it’s not. Using inclusive language is a positive expression of love for your partner and a positive validation of how much you value your relationship with your partner.
2. Trustworthy. In any relationship, especially a romantic one, trust is crucial. Both you and your partner need to feel like the other person will always tell you the truth and have your back. Typically, trust in relationships is given freely until it is abused. If your relationship has been rocked by infidelity, addiction, or other betrayal, the perpetrator will need to be rigorously honest and move on. If this happens, trust can be re-established.
3. Cultivate and express empathy. Loving, intimate, long-term relationships require a lot of empathy (the ability to understand and share the experiences of others). When you actively empathize with your partner, you’re more likely to accept his or her ups and downs and quirks. The easiest way to develop empathy is to feel your partner’s feelings with you and invite your partner to feel your feelings. (If you’re not naturally good at empathy, you may need to help me understand how you feel by saying, “I feel like you feel X, Y, and Z. Is that correct? If not, can you help me understand what you’re feeling?”
4. Learn to disagree without arguing. No matter how compatible you and your partner are, you’re bound to disagree on something—some big, some small. These differences are not a bad thing. In fact, addressing these issues in healthy ways often leads to deeper intimacy and connection. The trick is to be able to resolve relationship conflict in a way that strengthens, rather than weakens, your relationship. A helpful strategy for you and your partner is, at the beginning of any argument, to remember and confirm that you are allies and on the same team. This way, you’re not fighting each other, but solving the problem—whatever it is. You can find tips on respectful conflict resolution at this link.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity provides inpatient treatment for people with sex, pornography, and substance/sex addictions, as well as low-cost online work groups. Meanwhile, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.

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