Hollywood is glorifying cougar relationships — and women

Channing Mueller has always dated men close to her age—usually a few years older, in fact. But after going through a terrible breakup in 2019, she decided she needed to try something new.

Her therapist had an idea and suggested she look at men outside her usual range.

“He was like, ‘Ten years up, down ten years, and look,'” Mueller, who runs his own communications company in Chicago, recalled to The Washington Post.

So Mueller, then 34, used the dating app Bumble and changed her age preference. She was surprised when a 24-year-old reached out for help almost immediately.

“He asked me out on a date, he planned the date, and before the first date was over, he said, ‘When can I see you again?'” she said. “Then he offered to pick me up for a second date.”

She was startled. This guy’s intentions are so clear, so mature, so open – especially compared to her ex. At that moment, she says, “I realized that emotional maturity and age don’t go together.”

Mueller, now 40, dates almost exclusively young men. She even once flirted with a man 14 years her junior. (They are good friends now.)

Of course, sometimes these bright-eyed young men have roommates. Sometimes they have dingy bachelor pads. Sometimes they don’t get her pop culture references, or seem to need more of a mother than a girlfriend.

But typically they are less exhausted, more open-minded, and more interesting than their middle-aged peers.

“They’re more interested in going on a date without it feeling like, ‘I’m interviewing you for marriage,'” Mueller said.

And, boy, do they know how to have fun.

They would take her ice skating, or playing mini golf, or to dueling piano bars, or raucous karaoke joints.

“That was a very eye-opening experience,” she laughs.

She hinted that their curiosity and enthusiasm extended to the bedroom as well.

“I would say they’re eager,” Mueller countered when asked for more details.

“There’s a good chance my brother will read this!” she exclaimed, but that was where diplomacy ended.

Stars – we’re just like them!

Age gap relationships are nothing new. But “Cougar” does seem to be having its real moment.

Gossip pages are filled with mature, confident women hanging out with their young lovers. Pop icon Cher, 79, is dating a 38-year-old music producer. Madonna, 77, has adopted 29-year-old soccer star Akeem Morris as her latest boy toy. Actress Sienna Miller, 43, is expecting her second child with hunky Oli Green, 29.

Nicole Kidman is making a splash on the big screen in 2024, playing a high-powered CEO at the mercy of her office interns in “Babygirl.” Most recently, Gwyneth Paltrow returned in “Marty Supreme,” playing an aging actress who has an affair with the much younger Timothee Chalamet.

These depictions — complex, nuanced, and, yes, sexy — are a far cry from past caricatures of predatory cougars, from Gloria Swanson’s grotesque elderly heroine in “Sunset Boulevard” to Anne Bancroft’s sullen but depressed housewife in “The Graduate.”

“It really helps,” says Junie Moon, a love and relationships expert who specializes in coaching women over 50. “When you see Cher and Madonna, or anything else that presents a female image, like, ‘Hey, I have the right to date whoever I want, just like a man,’ it helps you even more.” [the idea of a woman being with a younger man] It becomes normalized, the more we’re like, “Hey, why not me?”

“The women I work with are vibrant, amazing women in their 50s, 60s and 70s who are healthy and strong and want to be active and have a great life,” Moon added.

“They sometimes find that men are slowing down,” she continued. “So these women will say, ‘I think I need to be younger.'” It’s like, why not? “

Where there is a mother, there is a daughter

“I’m from a family of cougars.”

That’s how Sharlene Durfey introduced herself to reporters one day in late December. She is a lively 50-year-old artist and the founder of Intimacy Cards, a set of playing cards designed to encourage deep conversations between friends and strangers.

Yes, dating younger men was indeed a tradition in her family.

Her mother, Susan, is 11 years older than her husband. (They met 20 years ago at a Michael’s craft store in San Jose, Calif.) Sharlene’s sister, Shari, is in a long-term relationship with a man 14 years her junior, with whom she has a 13-year-old daughter.

Three years ago, Charlene married a man 12 years younger than her.

“I’m sure part of it is that we look younger,” Charlene told The Washington Post. “But, to be honest, I don’t think age matters that much.”

Sally, who also spoke to The Washington Post, agreed. “It has nothing to do with age,” stresses the 57-year-old health professional. “It’s about compatibility and similar values.”

Sally and Charlene grew up in San Jose, California, surrounded by high-spirited women who often attracted boyish suitors.

Their father’s grandmother was actually 11 years older than the girls’ grandfather (her second husband) – whom he fondly teased. Meanwhile, their mother loved to dance and often dressed provocatively when she went to clubs with her friends.

“I remember, ‘Mom, that skirt is too short!’ or ‘You’re showing too much cleavage,'” Charlene recalled.

“She had her first plastic surgery when she was about 35,” Sally said.

After Susan divorced the girls’ father—Sally was a teenager and Sharlene was nine—she dated almost exclusively younger men and told her daughters not to tell their boyfriends her true age.

But it doesn’t matter.

“My mom had a lot of energy,” Shari said. “I don’t think an older man could keep up with her!”

‘We rarely feel the gap’

Sally and Charlene had no plans to follow in their mother’s footsteps. They both dated older men in their early 20s.

Sally eventually married a man of a similar age to her, but the marriage began to fall apart as she reached her late thirties.

It was then that she met her current partner Keith online.

The two bonded over music (including disparate bands Modest Mouse and The Beatles) and literature. “He immediately read the first book I recommended to him,” Sally said, something her first husband never did. She flew from California to eastern Pennsylvania to meet him.

When Keith (who asked that his last name not be used for professional reasons) picked her up at Philadelphia International Airport, she actually asked to see his ID.

“He looked much younger than 27,” his actual age at the time, she said. “He looks 17 years old!”

Even though she was almost 40 years old, they had an instant connection.

“For some reason, Keith had a lot of the same social background as me,” Sally said. “We rarely feel that gap – I think mainly because I have so many friends of different ages.”

During one of their early meetings, she suggested they engage in a “soul stare,” in which two people look deeply into each other’s eyes without speaking. “That’s when I realized I was supposed to be with this person: right or wrong, good or bad,” Sally said.

Seventeen years later, they live in Pennsylvania’s Lehigh Valley, where Keith is a teacher and Sally is a colon therapist. They have a 13-year-old daughter who keeps asking when they will get married.

“We’re still together, and we’re still doing great,” Sally said.

Everyone in the family was shocked

Interestingly, MILF sister Sharlene was the only one to initially make fun of Sally’s age gap relationship.

At the time, she was living in Los Angeles and had barely dated after seven years with an older man. But when she turned 40, she also changed her life, moved to Berlin and downloaded Tinder.

“I used to be a bit conservative – like, I wouldn’t have sex with anyone if I didn’t want them to be my boyfriend,” she said. “Then I came to Berlin and I was like, ‘Oh, this is my bohemian era.'”

She decided to go through her early 20s in her early 40s, so the men she went out with tended to be younger as well.

“I’ve noticed that when they know how old I am and want to see more of me, it really turns them on,” Sharlene said. “I feel like I’m getting stronger sexually.”

A few years after moving, she met her current husband, Philip, at a birthday party. “He made me laugh,” Charlene recalled. “I want to see him again.”

Charlene thought Philip was much younger than her. Their mutual friends were all in their late 20s or early 30s. But she doesn’t know if he I know she’s older.

“I mentioned our big age gap and he said, ‘I don’t care — it doesn’t matter,'” she said. “I was like, ‘Really? Are you sure?’ But when he found out, he said it was okay.”

“Afraid I’ll die before him”

Although they are said to be a perfect match, Charlene has recently begun to feel the age gap between them more keenly.

For one, his friend had recently started having children, and Charlene couldn’t have any more. Philip has been particularly concerned about Charlene’s health since his mother died of cancer during COVID-19.

“He was always afraid that I would die in front of him,” Charlene said.

Of course, many women also have insecurities when it comes to maintaining their looks and body—insecurities that are increasingly evident in the age of GLP-1s, deep plastic surgery, and Botox.

Charlene admits that sometimes she can’t help but feel “worried that my husband will leave me because I’m too old.”

“Like, I’m fine now, but 20 years from now, when I’m 70, will he be happy to be by my side and be my partner? Of course he said yes, but who knows?”

However, if she needs a pick-me-up, she can ask her mother for help.

At 81, Susan is as energetic and optimistic as ever. In fact, floral designers see no downside to having a young romantic partner at all.

As she said: “Why would a woman want to be with an old man?”