The importance of saying no

Scott Brassart

For many people, the hardest word to say in the entire English language is “no.” Even if we really want to spit out this little two-letter word, we can’t seem to. Someone asks us to do something for them, and our hearts scream “no,” but our mouths say, “Sure, happy to help.” And then our stomachs churn and our neck muscles tighten because we really, really don’t want to do what we just agreed to do.

Of course, many times we should Say yes. But that doesn’t mean we should say “yes” to every little thing presented to us. In fact, if we habitually say “yes” to every request, even if we really want to say “no,” we increase our risk for a range of physical and psychological problems. For example, research tells us that “compliance behaviors,” such as saying “yes” when we want to say “no,” can:

• damage our immune system
• Increase our risk of cancer
• cause ulcers
• cause depression

For these reasons alone, we should learn to say no. But there are plenty of other reasons to say no to unnecessary obligations, especially when we’re recovering from addiction. First, if we feel stressed and anxious about commitments we don’t want to keep, it can lead to relapse. Don’t we have enough triggers to deal with already?

For addicts and non-addicts alike, other good reasons to say no occasionally include:

• Reduce stress: Think about how your body reacts when you agree to do something you don’t want to do. This reaction is stress. Learning to say “no” when “no” is the appropriate response can help us eliminate this stress.
• respect: It’s amazing how when we learn how to say “no,” people respect us more as long as we say “no” politely and then follow through on our refusal.
• time: When we say “no” to things we don’t want to do, we can spend more time on the things we do want to do. We can focus more on what matters. We can spend time with our families. We can enjoy hobbies, hang out with friends, engage in self-care, further professional and personal goals, and more.

Many addicts (and non-addicts) are taught from a young age to help others, to be kind, and to say “yes” when someone asks. For this reason and many others, it’s much easier to say “yes” than “no.” But saying “yes” indiscriminately, especially when we’d be better off saying “no,” can cause us to forget what’s really important in life. It also takes us away from the things that help us succeed and make us happy. So if we want to be happy and successful both in life and in recovery, we better learn how to say no.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity provides inpatient treatment for people with sex, pornography, and substance/sex addictions, as well as low-cost online work groups. Meanwhile, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.

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