Yes, romance can really change your sex life

Romanticism is sweeping the world. As an avid reader, I can attest that this genre—a mix of high fantasy and romance with a healthy dose of smut—has become inescapable over the past few years, whether you’re scrolling through your romance novel favorites list on BookTok or browsing the romance novel table at your local Barnes & Noble. Court of Thorns and Roses (and its many sequels), fourth wing, from blood and ashesand mercury These are just some of the pioneers of this subgenre, but there seem to be new ones popping up every day. Romance is becoming the paranormal romance of the late 2000s to early 2010s: the genre of the decade.

It’s also perhaps the first time we’ve seen a romance- and sex-focused genre become fully mainstream. Since this popularity is largely driven by a female fanbase, there’s also a lot of people clutching their pearls while also being genuinely curious about how romance affects our real-life sex lives.

Experts say the benefits are many. “I know quite a few patients who very openly and explicitly discuss their love for certain authors and series of romance novels, almost to the point of a mild addiction,” sex and relationship therapist Dr. Karen Stewart, PsyD, tells SheKnows. Her clients love these books because they can “indulge every fantasy they have,” from what their dream partner looks like to how they themselves want to be treated, plus sexy, fantasy scenarios that would never happen in the real world. “The increased release of serotonin and dopamine in sexual content can create feelings of sexual arousal, which can lead to anything from a warm smile on your face when thinking about what you just read, to amazing masturbation material.” Some of her clients tell her that they also use romance novels as fantasies during sex with their partners.

Of course, this kind of reading material is not new new. Dr. Stewart points out that women have long enjoyed romance and erotic novels. (Remember the old “Bodice Ripper” cover?) The difference today is that the desire for romantic love — especially hot, explicit scenes — is more public, and women are reaping the rewards.

“Clinically, I’m seeing a new awareness of sexual empowerment having a positive impact on women’s sex lives,” couples and sex therapist Gabby Jimmerson tells SheKnows. “All of the selected heroines in this genre meet their tortured, dark-fated partners through the glories of forced closeness, and have a way of helping women connect with their sexual selves.” For many women, Jimerson explains, this means being freer to desire, enjoy and demand sex. Romance can also be a return Enter Sex and relationship therapist and author Dr. Tammy Nelson says women’s desire for sex is disconnected from their sexual selves.

Then there’s the safety aspect. With these books, many romance readers feel they can explore their sexuality without feeling shame, judgment, or guilt, and with the option to enter and pause at any time. “It’s fun,” explains Sarah Sumner, LCSW, a sex and relationship therapist and clinical director of Empowered Fulfillment Therapy. you probably won’t actually For example, wanting to have close contact with a werewolf, but without a sense of danger actually Being in danger – is a thrill. Sumner points out that in romantic fantasies, this feeling “can be re-created consensually.” Writing down the things that turn you on can also give you ideas to bring back to a real-life relationship or clarify something that’s missing in it.

What are the disadvantages? When we inevitably have to close the book, Nielsen says, this situation will return to real life. Nelson says you may start comparing your partner to the heroes of your romantic world, ideals they can’t achieve, especially if you don’t communicate your desires to them.

Speaking of unrealistic expectations, there are some popular romance tropes that simply cannot be replicated in the real world. “Romantic storylines about wingspan, a partner’s ability to know what their partner wants, and even the ease of sexual compatibility all make for great storytelling,” Jimerson points out. “But real relationships and real intimacy have context, require communication, and involve real bodies.”

What makes romance novels work so well is the author’s ability to skip all the awkward, unsexy parts that Sumner calls “the messiness of real intimacy.” This could be the time it takes to establish desires, or the communication time needed to figure out what you and your partner want. “Depending on the content, romance novels can also create unrealistic expectations about pleasure and foreplay,” she says. Some narratives may perpetuate harmful stereotypes, from instant arousal to non-consensus power dynamics or messages surrounding what bodies “should” look like or do. “‘Should’s are never sexy,” Sumner points out.

Jimerson says romantic fantasies can bring empowerment, entertainment and inspiration to our sex lives, not guidance. “Overall, romance novels can be an excellent starting point for self-discovery and empowerment. The only caveat is to remember that fiction is not real life,” she explains. “True intimacy and connection require communication, effort, and honesty because, unfortunately, even the most committed partners don’t have the ability to read minds.”