How Shame Affects Us – Sex and Relationship Healing

Erin Snow

There are many treasuresPossible sources of shame include family of origin secrets, various forms of abuse, body shame, mental health issues, work, financial problems, aging, sexual orientation, stereotypes, and almost any other issue. If any of these are kept secret, they help maintain a false outer self that hides inner feelings of fear, hurt, and anger.

It is this gap between inner and outer life that creates space for emotional pain, which must be suppressed or numbed. In other words, addictive behavior becomes a way for a person to cope with the struggle between their true self and their false self. In some ways, addiction can be considered a form of dissociative disorder, in which a person is “disconnected” from trauma or painful feelings. Drugs, behaviors, and even people are coerced into easing the emotional pain caused by the rift between the false self and the true self. Essentially, this behavior is an extremely destructive form of self-medication.

Ironically, by trying to escape these uncomfortable feelings, addictive behaviors actually perpetuate these uncomfortable feelings by reinforcing shame. Shame therefore becomes an important component of a failed relationship with oneself.

Amphetamines (such as cocaine, Adderall and methamphetamine) can make users feel confident, expressive and powerful, creating an illusion of control and having special appeal as an antidote to shame. This is because the experience of shame creates an emotional impact, a dissociative event that is emotionally disconnected. Although this dissociation is essentially one of the body’s self-protection mechanisms, it can be destructive because emotions can become frozen and unexpressed.

Sadly, shame at an early age sets the stage for the development of an unhealthy relationship with self. Through a variety of overt and covert early life experiences and insights, children begin to develop core beliefs about themselves that, unless changed, will persist and influence their behavior throughout their lives.

As adults, these beliefs often guide decision-making, responses to stressful situations (both positive and negative), and self-concept. Often, these include beliefs about oneself such as “I am not protected,” “I am unlovable,” “I am defective,” “I can’t handle this feeling,” and “There is nothing I can do.”

People react in certain ways as a result of these beliefs. For example, if they feel they are not being protected, they may decide never to risk expressing their true feelings or express their feelings spontaneously. If they think they are unlovable, they may decide they need to work extra hard to win someone’s love. They may become rescuers or caregivers, and at some point they may be unaware and therefore unable to meet their own needs. If they feel deficient, they may strive to create a false self that tries to be perfect, perhaps by spending hours in the gym (and taking steroids or diet pills) or by obsessing over food to the point of creating disease. If they think they can’t handle feelings, they end up not even trying because they find that mood-altering substances and self-destructive behaviors can at least temporarily relieve the discomfort of painful emotions. Finally, those who feel powerless may try to form relationships with people who can protect (or even control) them, or they may work to accumulate wealth or prestige to combat feelings of powerlessness.

All of these long-held beliefs and decisions, made at key moments in our young lives, operate silently in the background unless they are recognized and then changed. Although they are rooted in the past, they greatly influence our decisions and relationships today. I liken them to software that is invisible but directs almost every aspect of a system’s operation. Unless negative beliefs and decisions are identified and corrected, they will persist and continue to cause poor outcomes. It is these false beliefs that explain why people try very hard to change their external circumstances, only to find themselves repeating the same behaviors and situations seemingly endlessly. These invisible forces largely explain repetitive and destructive behaviors that frustrate the individual and everyone around them.

Addiction, whether substance or behavioral, generally works in two ways. They either distract from painful feelings or numb the emotional pain caused by these old wounds and their current manifestations. The temporary solutions provided by continually behaving in addictive patterns ultimately only increase shame as the behavior becomes increasingly out of control and has negative consequences in life. This can lead to isolation and deeper feelings of detachment and worthlessness for the addict.

Until we understand the roots of shame and correct the false beliefs and behavioral decisions that accompany it, we will be vulnerable to addictive behaviors. In order to reverse the cycle, people need to first seek help to address the addiction itself, and in the process address the false negative beliefs that lead to shame (and therefore addiction) in the first place. It’s also important to connect with supportive friends and an understanding community so that we can open up and transform our feelings of shame into feelings of help and healing.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity provides inpatient treatment for people with sex, pornography, and substance/sex addictions, as well as low-cost online work groups. Meanwhile, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.