What is edging? -Sex and relationship therapy

Scott Brassart

Lately, in the online sex and porn addiction working groups I moderate, as well as in free webinars and drop-in discussion groups at SexandRelationshipHealing.com, I’ve been hearing more and more addicts combine the word “borderline” with addictive behaviors, circle programs, and other aspects of sexual recovery.

To be honest, I have a hard time coming to terms with this term, mostly because it has multiple meanings when used in conversations about sexuality. For a long time, edging has referred to the controlled/delayed orgasm to prolong and enhance sexual pleasure. Many sex therapists and self-proclaimed sex experts have discussed edging techniques and practices, and countless individuals and couples have tried them—often with great success and satisfaction. So, for many people, edging has long been part of healthy sexual behavior.

Recently, however, some 12-step recovery programs, notably Sex and Porn Addicts Support Groups, have co-opted the term and given it an entirely different meaning. Here’s how edging is explained on the SPAA website:

Our experience tells us that certain behaviors… can still cause us to be “hit” with drugs and often cause us to lose sobriety. We call these behaviors “edging.”

In the process of edging, we relive our great obsession—believing the lie that we can control and enjoy these secret behaviors. So, just like how we behave, we ask our Higher Power to eliminate our marginalized desires.

Fringe activities vary from member to member, but many of us can agree on the following:

• Peruse social media apps and websites for arousing, non-pornographic images and videos (sometimes by using secret accounts).
• Forcing, nagging, or getting our committed partners into sex.
• Finding attractive people in public and then fantasizing about them, staring at their body parts, or stalking them. We did it on foot and by car.
• Flirting with others when we’re already in a committed relationship – either complimenting them, teasing them, engaging in inappropriate/intimate conversations, or “working on the charm.”
• Create a “backup” list of partners in case something goes wrong with our current relationship.
• Watch R-rated movies (and other suggestive videos) or read pornographic literature for the purpose of sexual arousal.
• When meeting someone new and attractive, it’s easy to forget to mention that we’re already in a committed relationship.
• Fantasy – often by replaying our past sexual encounters or pornographic images we have seen (sometimes while having sex with our committed partner).
• Drive past known performance locations.

This list is by no means exhaustive. It is recommended that each member work with their sponsor to establish a personalized, detailed definition of edging for themselves and to cease keeping any of their edging practices secret. We make this information available to new people so that they can learn from our experiences, gain our strength, and gain hope.

So, now we have a word with conflicting definitions in the context of sexual behavior. One version of edging is usually encouraged; the other is strongly discouraged.

By the way, this is called antonymism – one word having two exactly opposite meanings. More specifically, according to Grammarly.com, “An antonym is a word that has a homophone (another word with the same spelling but a different meaning) that is also an antonym (a word with an opposite meaning).”

• consult Can mean giving advice or getting advice.
• dust It may mean removing the powder or dusting it.
• quickly Can mean firmly attached or moving quickly.
• sanctions May mean approval or punishment.
• type Can be of a specific type or multiple types.

This concludes today’s grammar lesson. Not to mention, when the word “edge” is used in a conversation about sexual behavior, the audience is forced to discern its intended meaning from the context—something recovering addicts are not always good at.

I would also like to point out that there is no need to use the word “marginal” as defined by the SPAA. In Sexual Recovery, we have long utilized circle programs to define problematic, slippery, and healthy behaviors. (Read more about the Circle program here.) The SPAA defines fringe as much and less as what recovering sex and porn addicts call middle (yellow) circle activity.

So, how should we deal with this emerging contradiction? If it were up to me, not too much. But it’s not up to me, and it doesn’t look like the new definition is going away anytime soon, especially when it’s so firmly embedded in the growing (and much-needed) language and literature of 12-step programs. For now, until both meanings are widely known (e.g. consult, dust, quickly, sanctionsand type), we need to rely on context and ask for clarification when the meaning is unclear.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity provides inpatient treatment for people with sex, pornography, and substance/sex addictions, as well as low-cost online work groups. Meanwhile, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.