Why are intimate emotional connections so struggled

Scott Brassart

When I was a kid, my family taught me some dysfunctional lessons. One of these courses is that I don’t allow me to express (even have) my own thoughts and feelings on my own. My job is to smile, look good, expect from me anyway. This course has been strengthening throughout my childhood.

For example, I remember a pediatrician who was about ten years older than ten to travel. I’m very ill and have a very high fever. When I entered the doctor’s office, my mother accompanied me, he asked me how it was. Honestly, I said, “Oops.” At that time, the doctor’s visit stopped and my mom gave me a speech (a speech that lasted longer in the car on the way home) and how to respond when a person asked me about my situation. According to my mom, I should say, “I’m fine. Thank you for asking.” Even when talking to the doctor, any other reaction is unacceptable.

That’s just a response to my question Physical. honest mood What’s worse is a million times. If I feel confused, anxious or fearful, I can tell my dad that I will get roughly the same understanding and responses I have with the portal. (Please understand, my dad is a great person, I love him deeply, but his emotional abilities are limited.) I can also talk to my mom. However, she almost certainly has a very overreacting, and overreacting is usually inappropriate, almost anyone. Including me.

No matter which parent I turned to, I had no validated or satisfied emotional needs. Ultimately, to avoid this ongoing interpersonal disappointment, I set a boundary: keep my thoughts, feelings and emotions to myself anyway. I decided to always present a happy, successful facade, no matter how painful, lonely, anxious and depressed I felt in it.

Unfortunately, this boundary is not a boundary. That was a wall. I cast a message: “Tell me I’m great, you love me, but stay away.” Guess what? People stay away.

In most cases, I’m happy with this because I don’t need them. I get numb when I suffer from a kind of emotional discomfort that people who are healthy tend to share with others. I turned to alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, food, etc.- nothing felt.

Ultimately, this stops working (as addictive behaviors and other unhealthy coping mechanisms always). Even if I can be numb for a moment, I will soon find myself back to reality. No matter what I always want to feel still there, and the shame of my dysfunctional coping behavior, there are also some new consequences to deal with. Finally, I had to stop. I had to find a healthier coping mechanism – which means contacting others, telling them the truth about my problem, and letting them help me.

Honestly, I would rather eat a plate of worms. Being vulnerable in this way is something I avoided since I was a child, and I wasn’t keen on the idea of ​​breaking down the walls I’ve so well-structured. What should I do once these walls fall? I don’t know how to connect emotionally with others because I never did that. I’m not even sure if that’s possible. I think everyone in the world says they have close friendships and are lying – building the facade like I have done for years.

Still, I know I need support from others. I know I need to be emotionally connected, even if I do it unsafely. So I started as a kid and worked hard along the ladder. I trust the therapist, who responds with the boundaries of empathy and health. I trust my sponsor, who responds with the boundaries of empathy and health. I trust some other recovered addicts who responded (mainly) in the same way. Ultimately, emotional connections with others go from impossible to possible, and then from possible to ideal.

However, this is not an easy process. First, I have to understand that the boundaries of health are not walls. The boundaries of health are not to keep others away; they are to keep others safely joining. If others are acting in a way that is safe for me, I have the option to let them in. If they act in ways that are not safe for me, I have the option to keep them out. Their behavior belongs to them; my choice belongs to me.

This awareness, coupled with a lot of trial and error, helped me see and appreciate the joy and benefits of intimate emotional connections. Over time, I have learned to connect with the people I love and care for in a healthy way, even if they don’t (or can’t) always meet my emotional needs in a way I like. So, I have real friends throughout my life and have meaningful connections with my family. For me, these unexpected gifts of recovery and recovery are tough, but worth the effort.

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