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Nowadays, it’s almost impossible to relax during sex—but don’t worry, there’s a lot you can do to change that. Some of these things may surprise you. Because it’s not just about what you do during sex, it’s about what you do in your daily life.

As a sex therapist who specializes in relieving sexual stress and anxiety – I want you to know that you are not alone. In fact, struggling to relax and enjoy sex is one of the most common complaints I encounter with all my clients.

This makes sense. Because if you’re being pulled around by thoughts like, “Am I wet?” “Did I forget to bring my charger to work?” or “Will my daughter tidy her room?” – Why meeting Can sex be enjoyable?

Why it’s so hard to relax and enjoy sex

While struggling to relax and enjoy sex is not a diagnosis, it is often part of (and sometimes the cause of) other sexual difficulties. Erectile dysfunction, sexual desire disorders (such as low libido), and difficulty achieving orgasm are all closely related to sexual difficulties.

This in turn can cause anxiety. With anxiety, it becomes increasingly difficult to relax.

Even if you’re supposed to be engaging in things you “should” love and enjoy, like sex.

It’s common to worry about a variety of things during sex, such as:

How your body looks, smells or tastes
If your partner is having fun
your hardness or softness, wetness or dryness
If you are “good” in bed
That demo at work
If you forget to turn off the stove
If you feel different about sex again

What I’ve learned over the years as a sex therapist and coach

When you wonder how to relax during sex, the first thing you usually think about is how to change things up during sex. That makes sense, right? If the problem is sexual in nature – of course we should work on the sexual aspect.

But the thing is, sexual problems aren’t always solved simply by changing sexual practices or techniques.

In the over eight years that I have been working specifically with sexual issues, it has become clear that this is only half the solution.

If we don’t also turn our attention to non-sexual matters, our efforts may not be effective. Because sex isn’t just about sex, it’s about all of you.

sex is about all your

Sexual issues require not only gender-specific strategies, but also require us to look beyond our sexuality and our sex lives. They require us to be fully present in our entire lives.

Why? Because sex doesn’t exist in a void—it’s a part of who we are.

All your life experiences – both happy and painful – are brought into the bedroom. The things you learned about sex as a child, the comments you made about a one-night stand years ago, are all there.

Sex is more than just a biological behavior fueled by hormones—it’s a pleasurable, intimate experience that involves our entire selves. So being fully committed can have a profound and lasting impact on your sex life.

5 ways to relax and enjoy sex during sex

change the way you eat

While this may sound strange – hear me out!

Eating food, like having sex, can be a sensual experience. Satisfying flavors, different textures, and pleasant aromas are all part of our eating experience (if we allow us to). Because both sex and eating can be sensual experiences, they are closely linked.

By paying attention to the way you eat, you can get important clues about how to have sex.

For example:

Are you devouring everything while scrolling on your phone?
Maybe you eat a lot during your trip?
Or maybe you eat the same thing for dinner every day?

These clues may tell you something about your relationship with sex. For example:

Maybe you always multitask during sex while planning your week in your head.
Maybe you rush into sex every time and don’t stop to enjoy the moment.
Or maybe your sex life is always the same—it starts with kissing and ends with vaginal penetration.

Changing the way you eat by enjoying the moment and focusing on food rather than your phone can have a trickle-down effect.

Because the more you engage in other potential sensory experiences (eating food), the more your brain learns how to be present in the moment. Therefore, changing the way you eat will make it easier for you to be present during sex.

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When you relax – sex can be more pleasurable

Stop arguing with yourself

How many times have you found yourself caught in an internal dialogue during sex? Maybe punishing yourself for “not trying hard enough” or “never being in the mood”?

While this is a completely natural reaction to when sex doesn’t go the way you want, it can also be toxic to your desire, arousal, and overall pleasure.

Because how sexy and enjoyable is it to beat yourself up while trying to relax and “get in it”?

According to research (and my experience), our thoughts are powerful and can derail even the most passionate moments. But don’t despair, this is definitely something you can change. Whether your thoughts are about the dish, or you’re worried that something is wrong with you.

The first things to do are:

Pay attention when you get stuck. If you’re not aware of these thoughts running rampant in your mind, you can’t actually change that.
Note if there is a pattern; is it always because you lack desire? Maybe you’ve been concerned about how your breasts or belly look at a certain angle? This will guide you through which areas may be causing you the most anxiety.
Decide to try to shift your focus to what is actually happening outside of your head. Sometimes, the best approach is to focus on the sexy stuff.

When you do this regularly, things will start to change. But this isn’t a one-and-done thing, it’s a habit you need to develop. –

focus on sexy

When you’re stuck, you tend to forget the things that may have prompted you to have sex in the first place. Your partner’s cologne, the way they look at you when you go out to take a shower, or how gorgeous they are today.

When you can’t relax during sex, you’re likely to feel worried and anxious. Anxiety takes our attention away from sexy things. Because anxiety is your body’s internal alarm system going off because your body and brain think something dangerous is about to happen.

By actively refocusing your attention on what you thought was sexy before you had sex or what was initially hot, you can begin to relax and get back into the experience.

However, if you’re having sex because you feel pressured, or because you feel like you “should” because it’s taking too long – this may not work. If you don’t have sexual desire and your partner is angry or feels like it’s damaging your relationship, you may need help from a sex therapist to simplify this complicated relationship.

Stop scrolling while doing something you love

Many of us (myself included) find ourselves multitasking, even while doing something we love, like watching TV. Five minutes into the thrilling episode, we realized we were scrolling through Instagram at the same time.

This means two things:

We find it difficult to live in the present moment.
As a result, if we focus on one TV series or Instagram at a time, we won’t be able to fully enjoy it.

Multitasking during the day, even when doing things we enjoy, is a cue to slow down and focus on one thing at a time.

When we do this, we strive to be mindful and are more mindful in our daily lives, making it easier to be mindful during sex.

Because the whole point of sex is to relax and enjoy it. If we didn’t, it wouldn’t be as satisfying.

Next time you find yourself aimlessly scrolling through Instagram while chatting with friends or interacting with your partner, practice putting down your phone and immersing yourself in the activity.

Connect to your breath

How we relax during sex also has to do with how we breathe. Pranayama and breathing exercises are very popular these days simply because they work.

Our breath indicates how we feel. For example:

If your breathing is shallow and high in your chest, it usually means you are stressed, worried, or anxious.
When you take deep breaths and fill your stomach, it often means you are relaxed and feel safe.

If you find it difficult to move your breath into your belly, or you feel stressed most of the time – this is a sign to focus on your breathing.

Consciously give yourself some time to focus on your breathing and move it into your belly—you’ll have a better chance of enjoying sex.

This is because stress and worry are often the antidote to sexual desire. This means that the more we worry, the less desire and sexual arousal we feel.

When desire and excitement diminish, it becomes difficult to stay in the present moment (because there isn’t much fun in the moment).

When you learn how to regulate your breathing in life, you’ll be able to regulate yourself more easily during sex. This means you can learn to release worry and anxiety and increase desire and joy.

What you focus on will thrive

There are many ways to learn how to relax during sex and enjoy it. One important way to do this is to work on improving your overall appearance in life. Another is to focus on what’s happening in the present moment so you can shift your focus and get back to having fun. Because that’s what we focus on – thriving.

By regulating your breathing, practicing doing one thing at a time, focusing on sexy things, letting go of arguments in your mind, and focusing on changing the way you eat—you give yourself a chance to truly enjoy sex.

If we’re being honest – it’s really the only reason to have sex. Because it brings you joy, comfort, and maybe even love.

This isn’t always the case, and if you need practical help from a sex therapist, my online course Re:Desire will help you want sex again and revel in the pleasure of it.

By following my proprietary process, The 5 Stages of Pressure-Free Sex and Intimacy, you’ll learn how to stop being moved by your thoughts, get into your body, and have truly great sex.

Check out Re:Desire here and get what people call “exciting” 1.5 hours of free training.

Author Leigh Norénon has previously published on Medium, Vocal, and YourTango. Updated and republished on October 8, 2024.