FF: Scorched Earth: When Control Becomes Destruction

The ugly upshot of the “scorched earth” or “nuclear option” approach to control is that if you can’t control, then the next best option is to make sure your wife can’t control either. More or less, not controlling is acceptable because you’ve made sure she doesn’t have any control. Any hint of control is attacked, and pretty stupid things are done in the name of making sure your spouse doesn’t have control as much as you do. The ways to accomplish this are mostly what I listed in 10 Sly Ways Men Try to Control Their Wives and Control Dynamics in Marriage: Common Traps and Better Solutions.

The less extreme and more common form is to do it selectively; either in a few areas or only when you feel particularly out of control. This form is less obvious, both to the abuser and the victim. Think about it, does this explain something your wife does from time to time? Does this explain something you do from time to time? Does this explain some of the problems in your marriage?

If you are a victim of this behavior, study your wife and try to learn to predict when it will happen. Once it happens, you can no longer deal with her in the most rational way and your best bet is to try to de-escalate the situation or walk away if possible. If you realize you are doing this to your wife, try to find out what triggers the behavior so you have a chance to stop it before you get too caught up in it to see or care.

[This post first appeared Sept 10, 2012.]

Image credit: © Paul H Byerly Created using stockdreams.ai
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