FF: The Dangers of Sexual Control in Marriage

In many marriages, sex is a huge control issue; whether it is controlling when sex occurs or using sex to control other areas (i.e. manipulation).

First, to the wives who are reading this: using sex to control other things, or exerting control to limit sex, is a very bad idea. It is not loving, it is not godly, and it will hurt your marriage. If you want your husband to stop caring about you, if you want him to just go through the motions and slowly drift away from you, doing these things is one of your best options. However, if you want a healthy marriage, if you want your relationship to thrive, then you need to avoid these things.

Now that I’ve told the ladies what most husbands want them to hear, it’s time to deal with the men.

First, what I said above about women also applies to men. The best estimates are that 30% of wives are frustrated by lack of sex, and I bet most of these women have been victims of sexual control games. If you want her to leave, or just leave you alone, go ahead; if you want your marriage to work, or get better, stop.

The biggest sexual control problem for men is trying to Make love Using all forms of manipulation to get sex. Once you start using shame, guilt, or threats to get sex (like “I might lose control and do something stupid”), you’ll find it harder and harder to get sex without these things. Likewise, if you start getting her to agree to sex by giving her something special, some favor, some treat. This is essentially prostitution, and once it becomes a business transaction, why would she give it up? Getting sex through any form of control means sex is no longer an act of love, which is a bad thing for your wife, for you, and for your marriage.

Frankly, it’s better to not have sex than to have sex through manipulation or other forms of control. I know, you’re thinking, “that’s easier said than done.” It’s not. I’ve been there, and I remember how painful it is, how much it drives you crazy, and how much you wish it would just stop. I completely understand that place of frustration and desperation where getting sex at any cost seems like a good idea; I’ve given in more times than I’d like to admit. Because I’ve given in, because I’ve gotten sex through manipulation, I know what the outcome will be. I know that sex is great physically but meaningless in other ways. I know that it solves the immediate physical problem but destroys your relationship. I know that it will hurt your sex life as a whole, making your future sex less frequent and less enjoyable for both of you. This path will lead to wives who hate sex and men who end up feeling like assholes. Try to understand that what I’m saying here is real, and keep that in mind the next time you start doing something you know is neither kind nor loving to get sex. Besides it being the right thing to do, it’s the only sensible thing to do if you’re in it for the long haul.

[This post first appeared Sept 06, 2012.]

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