Your Partner Can Watch Porn – Girly Juice

Every day, people post their annoyances about porn on the /r/sex subreddit. Sometimes these annoyances are about their own porn tastes or habits, but often they are about partner Porn viewers.

Common manifestations of this phenomenon may be as follows:

A while ago, I caught my partner masturbating to porn. I was furious and told them that I had a personal boundary and that my partner couldn’t watch porn because I thought it was too upsetting. Later, I snuck a peek at their phone and saw that they were still watching porn even though I told them to stop! Clearly, they are a porn addict who doesn’t love or respect me. How can I get them to stop?

Even leaving aside some of the more obvious issues (like, for the love of all that is holy and good, don’t look at other people’s phones without their permission!), I still have a few issues with this idea, and I want to break them down today.

1. Your partner can masturbate.

Period. Period.

If you prefer your partner no Masturbation is allowed – and, crucially, if it’s your partner Prefer – then I recommend you get to know the consensual chastity community and carefully negotiate the boundaries of your dynamic, including safe words. Exploring sexual fantasies together can be a lot of fun!

However, outside of the consensual dynamic of orgasm control, your partner can masturbate, regardless of how you feel about it. They, like you, have bodily autonomy, and relationship status has no bearing on this inalienable right. If this makes you uncomfortable, then point #4 on this list may be particularly helpful to you.

2. For many people, pornography is part of masturbation, and there is nothing wrong with that in itself.

Porn increases libido, helps our brains kick in, makes us more focused on pleasure (especially helpful when life/world is stressful), expands our erotic imagination, and is just plain fun to watch. People who masturbate to porn are no different than people who masturbate to pornographic works, fantasies, memories, pictures of their partners/hot celebrities, etc. Bridgetownsalacious romance novels, or any other mental stimulation that stimulates sexual desire. Pornography is much more varied than what is usually described and thought of: not all pornography is horrific, chauvinistic, or unrealistic (besides, it is entirely possible for a perverted porn scene to embody some or all of these qualities). and Made with the full and informed consent of all concerned – Tristan Taormino Rough sex series is a good example).

Moreover, porn is a very wonderful thing for a lot of people, both in terms of viewing and making it. Many kinksters use porn to explore their growing desires mentally for the first time; some trans and non-binary people see themselves as sexy and desirable for the first time; and porn is a source of income and a creative outlet for many marginalized creators.

As for “porn addiction,” that’s a moralizing, pathologizing term that’s applied to a wide range of behaviors, from perfectly normal porn use to more extreme/compulsive use. It’s not really a useful label by any means, nor is it a true addiction in the clinical sense. I’m not an expert on the subject, but if you’re interested, I recommend checking out Kris Taylor’s work on the subject. There are certainly many people who use porn to compulsive or unhealthy levels — in which case it can seriously affect their employment, relationships, mental health, etc. — but I think most accusations (even self-accusations) of “porn addiction” are based primarily on puritanical moralizing, not reality.

3. Boundaries are rules you set for yourself, not for others.

You are the only one who can control their behavior, so you are also the only one who can set boundaries for them.

The following are examples of boundaries:

I would find it very arousing when I found out my partner had watched porn, so until I could resolve the issue, I chose not to date someone who watched porn because I found it too disturbing. When I found out someone I was dating watched porn, I would politely end the relationship.

Here is an example no A boundary is effective because it focuses on controlling someone others Behavior rather than your own:

I would get angry when I found out my partner had watched porn, so anyone I lived with was not allowed to watch porn. I wouldn’t necessarily end the relationship when I found out my partner had watched porn, but I would get angry or upset if they broke this rule I set, even if they didn’t agree with it or didn’t know about it.

Have your own boundaries. Understand that boundaries are you and your action.

4. You’ll be happier after solving these problems

This is really the most important point I always try to convey to people who are uncomfortable with their partner watching porn. While I have never been uncomfortable with my partner watching porn, have There are other completely normal and wonderful things that sometimes make me feel jealous, anxious, or insecure when my partner does these things – the work I’ve done in therapy to address these things has completely transformed not only my relationship, but my entire life. I’m much happier and more stable because of it, and my relationships have improved because of it.

I’m definitely not saying that therapy is easy or that everyone can get into therapy. I really wish that everyone could, or that everyone who wants to get into therapy can. Even if you can’t get into therapy, there are some self-reflection techniques that might be helpful, like keeping a journal about the sources of your anxiety or even using techniques from internal family systems therapy (Jay Earley has a book called Self-treatment to this).

I’m not saying that treatment is the solution. all If your partner mistreats you, abuses you, ignores you, belittles you, etc., you can be upset about it, you can communicate about it, you can always Permission to end the relationship. When I can’t discern a thing, I actually should Getting angry, which is actually totally fine, but I get angry about my own problems and sometimes I ask friends or other outside observers what they think.

As always, these are just my opinions; you can accept them or not, because it’s your life. But when I see someone upset about their partner’s perfectly normal porn viewing habits, I see how a person might be happier one day if they viewed that anxiety as a string to be pulled, a path that leads to its dangerous source. It’s not easy, and it’s not fun, but it yes Free as hell. Plus it means you can watch porn together, which is exciting. Seems like a win-win to me.

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all words and opinions are my own.

related