Couples therapist reveals daily ritual to save your

After 13 years of marriage, Bethany Meola admits she and her husband could be in the middle-age chaos of juggling careers and raising three children.

That’s why that six-second kiss feels so good.

The Six Second Kiss is a daily intimacy practice pioneered by couples therapists and clinical psychologists John and Julie Gottman, and as the name suggests, it involves spending a few minutes each day in physical contact with your partner.

“It’s kind of funny that it was on the to-do list,” said Meola, who first learned about the Gottmans’ work while pursuing a master’s degree in theology with an emphasis on marriage and family.

Even though it feels a little silly, it makes a difference.

“It’s long enough to ground you and say, ‘This is another person that I love and to whom I’ve made a commitment,’ and you come to rest in their presence in a whole new way,” said Meola, co-founder of Wounds of Life, a Bowie, Maryland, nonprofit that helps adult children of divorced or separated couples.

Why is six seconds important?

Six seconds is not an arbitrary number, John Gottman said in a joint video interview with his wife and collaborator, who married in 1987 and co-founded the Gottman Institute, which trains couples therapists.

The Gottmans studied more than 3,000 couples over 30 years and found that just six seconds of conscious intimacy was enough to trigger the release of oxytocin, the hormone widely believed to promote bonding between babies and mothers; the Gottmans say oxytocin calms the fear centres of the brain, thereby building trust.

Gottman cites research by neuroeconomist Paul Zak, which suggests a 20-second hug has the same effect.

“Mammals feel this way whenever they cuddle with each other,” said Gottman, author of books including “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” “A 20-second hug or a six-second kiss really does make a difference. It feels like coming home.”

Which couple does this work for?

Julie Gottman says long kisses are best for couples who are committed to each other and have built a level of trust.

Couples who are struggling and in therapy may not be ready.

“We certainly wouldn’t give this information to very distressed couples until major changes had occurred,” she said. “Because it won’t feel real to them if there’s still a lot of mistrust between the parties.”

How to get started

Couples must decide to make time to prioritize their relationship. One partner might start the discussion by saying, “They believe this sport can deepen their relationship, so why not give it a try?”

It’s best to make it a habit. Set aside the same time every day, such as when everyone is leaving for work or school, or just before bed.

During these transitional times, creating a connection ritual prevents “a managerial relationship where the only thing a couple can do together is add to their long list of tasks,” says John Gottman. “We want to really nurture the romance.”

Rituals also foster a sense of shared purpose, says Julie Gottman.

Make sure you enjoy it, and don’t treat it like something you’re supposed to do.

She has a blunt voice for couples who say they don’t have time.

“You really didn’t have six seconds?” she said, laughing. “You know, we’re not talking about six hours here. We’re talking about six seconds. So, tell me more about this block. Is there anything else going on?”