5 Ways to Reclaim Your Sexuality as a Mom | Aldult Toys Blog

As Mother’s Day approaches, we think of all the moms out there.

There is no doubt that mothers go through an enormous ordeal during and in the weeks, months, and even years following pregnancy. It is no small feat and, despite all the media’s stupid attempts to convince mothers to return to their pre-pregnancy lives, there is no going back.

Ch-ch-changes!

Your body and your relationship with it have changed. Your identity has changed. Your role in your story has been revised. It’s a radical change!

While this is normal, legitimate, and predictable, this great evolution of self poses equally significant challenges. Learning to be in one’s body is a learning curve for everyone, especially after experiencing the objective trauma of an event like childbirth.

This can be especially true when it comes to postpartum sex.

Unfortunately, just because your doctor tells you after 6 weeks that you’re cured and ready to go doesn’t mean your libido will cooperate.

There are many factors that contribute to this decrease in arousal and desire. The literal physical discomfort of healing after childbirth, the psychological confusion that comes with this new self-perception, body image changes, a subconscious fear of your partner because you don’t want to get pregnant again, a disconnect from yourself as a nuanced person because you’re “just a mom” (you’re not), total exhaustion for all the obvious reasons…

Just to name a few.

“Just a mom”

Becoming a mother brings with it a lot of exciting and challenging new things. Perhaps one of the biggest challenges you are given is the idea that you have to give up everything to truly embrace this new role. To be a good mother, you have to be a mother first, everything else has to go.

The message to mothers about sexual pleasure is strong and very vague:

You are now a mom! That means you can’t be sexy anymore. But while you are busy taking care of your offspring, make sure to immediately re-energize your libido so your partner won’t be sad. But don’t neglect your children to do anything for yourself because your identity is now “mom.” But get your body back to its pre-pregnancy sex appeal as soon as possible to stay relevant and desirable in the eyes of your partner! But don’t be sexy because it’s gross, except in porn where the MILF reigns supreme.

It’s almost as if they’re saying that a mother’s sexuality depends entirely on a man’s assessment of her…

Because, of course, the sexual journey doesn’t end with motherhood. It’s a new step on the path to self-discovery and understanding. Not to mention that without sex, it would be very difficult to have mothers.

Yet mothers continue to be bombarded with the idea that it is undesirable, even irresponsible, to want to take ownership of one’s sexuality. It is no wonder that regaining sexual autonomy is such a hurdle for most mothers.

Mothers are powerful beings who deserve a life full of pleasure and should not be forced to choose between that and their role as caregivers. Because they are so much more than *just* a mother.

How to be a mother and rediscover your pleasure?

1. Recognize changes

Everything has changed, so naturally, the person you experience your intimacy and pleasure with is now different too. This is part of the process, and it doesn’t mean you have to give up your right to pleasure with the person you were before your baby was born.

In addition to everything that comes with having a new being that depends on you for survival, you will likely find that what used to give you pleasure may not produce the same results as it did before. This is completely normal and part of your evolution as a sexual being. Give yourself permission to lean into the changes and see what new discoveries they bring.

2. Learn new communication skills

Practicing and improving our communication skills is important to ensure the success of any relationship. In times of major readjustment, such as maintaining self-esteem while becoming a mother, it becomes even more crucial.

“We must ask for exactly what we want,” writes somatic experiencing practitioner, sexological bodyworker, and birth doula Kimberly Ann Johnsonauthor of The Fourth Trimester and Call of the Wild. This can be especially difficult because most women “aren’t used to putting their needs and experiences at the center. Most postpartum women don’t want quick, hard relationships, so we have to ask for exactly what we want and how we want it.”

Incorporating a practice of asking for what you need when you need it, both in and out of the bedroom, is a huge step toward reclaiming your power as a person amidst the beautiful chaos of this new role.

3. Be a little selfish

Mothers are under a lot of pressure to be the selfless mothers of their families. But if they only produce and do nothing to replenish their reserves, burnout is inevitable.

As the airplane safety message says: Put on your own mask first. This level of selfishness is essential so that you can continue to care for those who depend on you. By taking the time to honor yourself, you increase your ability to care for your loved ones.

It can be really hard to stand up and say “I need this” when women in particular have never been taught how to speak up or have been actively discouraged from doing so. But like anything else, it gets easier with practice. And with practice, you can teach your family that your solo time should be respected just like any other part of your household’s rules and routines.

It could be something as simple as saying, “Mom needs 15 minutes to…”

4. Take time to masturbate

Okay, you don’t have to tell your kids that you’re taking 15 minutes to spend time with your vibrator.

But you should definitely (re)incorporate masturbation into your self-care routine, because the benefits it provides are considerable:

Relieve the relief

Boosts the immune system (always a good idea with those cute little germ bags, I mean, kids running around)

Improves sleep

Strengthens the pelvic floor muscles

Increases arousal

Improves mood

Offers a little break from mom’s hectic life

Masturbation is an opportunity to reconnect with your body and mind on your own time, whatever your energy level is at the time. But most importantly, it’s a time that can be ALL YOURS, and any mom can attest to how hard it is to, uh, experience.

And yes, masturbation also has its place in a happy and healthy partnership!

5. Talk about it

It’s all too easy to get lost in doubt and worry when most people still don’t really talk about sex after childbirth, much less enjoyment.

While the diversity of individual experiences is vast, chances are you are not alone in what you are going through and wondering. The best way to break down the ridiculous barriers and stigmas that surround motherhood and sexuality is to talk about it more. From your closest confidants to community forumsSpreading this conversation further and more widely will give mothers, present and future, more space to flourish as the complex and nuanced creatures that they are.

Adopting this conscious practice of embodying your power, agency, sexuality, and pleasure in a positive way will not only benefit you, but will also set a precedent for your babies to grow up to be super cool, empowered adults. Just like their mother.