5 Ways to Ask Your New Partner About Your Favorite Kinks –

The best advice I ever received came from my late grandmother, who often said to me, “If you don’t ask, you don’t get.”

As time goes by, I find this statement more useful and truer. How do I know that a wand company would be happy to commission me to create a podcast miniseries about their product without pitching them? How would I have known that my “Twitter wannabe” who I later married actually wanted to make out with me on our first date if I hadn’t asked her? If I didn’t have the courage to reach out and ask for what I wanted, how would I possibly find a nice apartment to live in, find a new publication to write for, or meet new people in an improv class?

I think this advice applies across the board in life, but of course, as a sex and relationship nerd, I’m most inclined to implement it in these areas. Asking what you want in bed is especially helpful when you’re just starting to talk to someone new—whether you met through mutual friends, social media, or the best LGBTQ dating apps in America—because it can help you quickly filter out people you’re not compatible with so you can move on to more suitable prospects faster. There’s no point in delaying a destined connection if you ask me!

Still, I know it’s hard to ask for what you want, so here are 5 of my favorite, tried-and-true ways to cultivate your beloved kink with someone new:

“Have you tried ___?”

I like this because it’s simple, effective, and direct rather than like “Do you want to ___ with me?” Now? !“This can scare people away, even though they might be enthusiastic about taking up the question you’re asking. When you ask someone about their experience level with a particular issue or dynamic, you might find that they’re shocked by the idea, or you might find that they’ve tried it a few times and have a very specific idea of ​​what to do next. Again, you’ll never know unless you ask!

“Did you see [insert media property here]? What do you think of ___ that scene? “

One of the many joys of consuming good (and sometimes bad) media: It can be an easy way to have the conversations we want to have about sex and relationships. Do you use quotes to determine your new boyfriend’s stance on spanking? secretaryfind out how your partner feels about the lifestyle by calling D/s fifty shades of grayor assess someone’s perspective on polyamory through the lens of Professor Marston and Wonder Womanmedia references are a very low-pressure way to dig into the conversations you want to have.

“What do you think some people find popular about ___?”

It’s best to take advantage of this when talking to a sex nerd, a person who seems inclined to work with you on unraveling the mysteries of the human sexual psyche. You can turn a theoretical conversation about kink motivation into a more direct and personal conversation about your issues. own Confused about motivation—— if They won’t back down from what you’re thinking about, and unfortunately, that happens sometimes. It’s also a good way to gauge someone’s overall sex positivity and empathy for people with a different sexual orientation than one’s own.

“Do you want to come with me?”

Sure, a bigger (and scarier) swing than many of these more indirect methods, but sometimes it needs to be done! I like this particular phrasing because it has less pressing pressure than “Do you want ___?” [right now/tomorrow/next weekend]? ” and it’s better than a vague “How do you feel about ___?” “Bolder and clearer. This phrasing also leaves the door open for them to raise any concerns or warnings: “You know, I’d be happy to do that, but only if we [keep the lights off/pre-negotiate our aftercare needs/have experimental jazz blaring in the background]! “

“Can I show you a hot porn clip? And then, if you want, you can show me a video you like! “

You’re definitely going to want to “read this room” because some people get shocked at the mere mention of watching porn with their partner, let alone kinky Porn… But if your lover seems open-minded, a co-curated porn screener might be a great way to open up to each other about your desires without having to use your words. (Ideally, though, you’ll use your own words when negotiating the specific things you want to do together.) Of course, porn is about arousal, so it’s great foreplay for what’s to come!

what is your Favorite way to bring up your quirks with new people you meet?

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

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