5 Tips for Celebrating Valentine’s Day as a Non-Monogamous Couple

As Valentine’s Day approaches, lovebirds around the world are booking their seats, ordering flowers, buying lingerie and maybe some toys in anticipation of a romantic day with their special someone…or loved ones.

While society hasn’t always accepted non-monogamous relationship structures, polyamory is (slowly) starting to be better understood and recognized. Thanks to the power of social media, many people are embracing ethical non-monogamy and discovering that it’s much more than what we’ve seen publicly portrayed so far (I’m looking at you, Sister Wives).

However, if you have more than one relationship or your relationship involves more than 2 people, the idea of ​​celebrating your love on a “special” day can seem a little daunting. We spoke to Yaz Harris (@yaz.thehuman) about her experience creating space, taking time, and authentically celebrating love, no matter what the day!

Here are five keys to celebrating Valentine’s Day with multiple partners:

1. Find your space

Society is conditioned to accept romantic love in the form of a couple, so there are certainly times when you may feel like you don’t have the same space or understanding of the structure of your relationship. While this is easier said than done, it’s essential to find safe spaces within your community and surround yourself with a support system that values ​​you for who you are.

“I think a lot of polyamorous people would probably feel excluded in some way in terms of celebrating with their multiple partners because of the cis-hetero normativity. We’re told that we’re supposed to pursue a relationship with someone of the opposite sex and that’s who Valentine’s Day is for.[…] Our government structures and our entire culture are built around the idea that two people are meant to be together, and they are celebrated for that.

“I feel like there’s a lot of room for me personally in how I’ve organized my life, in how I’ve chosen to pursue relationships, in how I’ve chosen to surround myself with support, that I can celebrate on Valentine’s Day or any other day.”

2. Ignore the haters

Valentine’s Day is often a very couples-centric holiday, and it’s easy to feel left out when your relationship doesn’t fit the traditional mold that society accepts. You may even face discriminatory behavior for coming out as polyamorous. The important thing is that you celebrate your love in the way that feels right to you! If you want to have dinner with 3 people at a restaurant on February 14th, do it! Forget the haters.

“If you’re dating all five people you’re in a relationship with and you’re doing public displays of affection or something that makes it clear that all five of you are together, that’s definitely going to cause more friction with the people you come into contact with. If you’re seen as a polycule of multiple people, that’s definitely going to offend more people.”

“If someone shames you because you don’t do or express your love the way they want, put a sock in it.

3. Communication is key

A very important part of ethical non-monogamy is communicating what you want or need from your partners. Maintaining an open and honest dialogue ensures that everyone is on the same page—the same goes for Valentine’s Day plans. If it’s important to you to spend Valentine’s Day with a specific partner, with all of your partners, or if Valentine’s Day isn’t really your thing, make sure to express that so that you can dedicate time to meeting the individual needs of you and your partners.

“I’ve met people who didn’t care about Valentine’s Day or any other holiday, who didn’t really need to make any extra effort to spend time together on those days, and I’ve met other people for whom it was a very important sign of the relationship, regardless of their own reasons. It all comes down to communication and understanding why spending time in this way is important to people and how they want to show up.[…] My experience so far has been to tell everyone I’d ideally like to spend time with, “Hey, I want to spend time with you,” and let the person and I figure out what spending time together in that way looks like.

4. Find balance

Not all relationships need to be equal in terms of time, activities, or affection to be equally important. Each relationship is autonomous and serves its own purpose. Identifying the function of your relationship can help you allocate your time and activities on Valentine’s Day without getting overwhelmed by the need to create multiple dates that are the same.

“You’re definitely going to come across situations where people feel like they have to spend the exact same amount of time with everyone involved or that they have to do the same thing – one can’t be more special than the other. This assumes that all relationships have to be exactly the same in order to be equally important. But, as polyamory teaches us, our different relationships serve different needs. So, hypothetically, I could spend all day with one partner and not at all with the other and it wouldn’t necessarily mean I love one more than the other, it’s just how we’ve chosen to spend our time.

5. Create your own traditions

There are many traditionally romantic activities you’re “supposed” to do on Valentine’s Day, but what’s important is to celebrate and express your love in the most authentic way possible for you and your relationship. Forget the “shoulds” and focus on the “wants” when planning your Valentine’s Day.

“You can create your own special day and do whatever you want. If you feel like going all out, maybe you could consider making it your own by deviating from all the standard things you’re told you’re supposed to do. Forget the chocolate, the dinner plans, the added pressure to be physically intimate with each other. Maybe you could go throw an axe and buy each other pineapples and that’s what you choose to do to celebrate that day. That’s what polyamorous people do, that’s what queer people do. We change the rules to better fit our needs, our values, our desires and show up the way we want to.”