23 Sober Tools – Sex and Relationship Rehabilitation

Scott Brassart

Over 20 years of recovering from substance and sexual/porn addiction, I have developed a diverse and useful sobriety kit. More than I realized. Actually, when I started writing it, this article was titled “10 Sober Tools.” Before I knew it, I listed more than 20. I decided to release it completely, but rather to release it completely because different tools work better for some addicts than others.

These are 23 tools I turn to relatively regularly, and I know that I work well in staying sane and sober. If you have a tool you don’t have listed, please email me (scott@seekingintegrity.com) and I will update this list. During this time, I hope you will find this list helpful.

1. 12-step meeting: Here we connect with others who share our struggles, learn effective coping skills, and provide ongoing social support.
2. 12-step sponsorship: Sponsors guide the 12 steps of new immigrants in recovery, and are also confidants and consultants. Sponsors and Sponses tend to benefit equally from these relationships.
3. 12 steps of work: The 12 steps of recovery are designed to guide us through the process of discovery, help us embrace reality and outline the processes of short- and long-term behavioral changes.
4. Booking: Drug users can book potentially trigger events to call supporters in recovery by phone. Prior to this, we promised to be sober and discussed plans to avoid relapses. The next call provides a different opportunity to discuss what happened, what felt like, and what we wanted or needed to do.
5. breathe: There are countless forms of breathing (controlled deep breathing exercises), all of which are effective in managing stress, reducing anxiety, lowering blood pressure and staying awake. My favorite technique is 4-7-8 breathing. Breath is 4, keep 7, exhale is 8.
6. Connect with friends and loved ones: It is said that the opposite of addiction is not soberness, but connection. There is no doubt that when we start to connect with others (friends, family, recovered addicts), it becomes easier to stay awake when we are emotionally intimate.
7. Contact Nature: Communicating with nature, especially with friends and loved ones, is a great way to understand that we are not alone in life, we are loved, and recovery is worth it.
8. creativity: This may involve painting, engraving, painting, photography, landscaping, decorating the house for holidays, cooking, writing, or any other creative activity we like.
9. exercise: Exercise is good for both physical and mental health and therefore beneficial for healing. It doesn’t matter whether the practice is low impact or hardcore. It’s good for us to simply get up and walk around.
10. gratitude: A great way to combat “stinky thinking” is to create a thank you list. Writing a 10-item thank you list almost always offsets almost all triggers and stops the addiction cycle.
11. Pause (acrosse for hunger, anger/anxiety, loneliness and fatigue): Addicts must learn to ask themselves: When will I eat it last? Did I have enough sleep last night? Do I need to resolve some conflicts in my life? Will talking to someone who understands me help me feel better? Often, cat napp, candy bar or five minutes of phone conversation can greatly reduce the desire for relapse.
12. journal: Writing our experiences slows down thoughts in ways that lead to deeper understanding. So, diaries, especially about triggering feelings of relapse, are a great way to drive our recovery.
13. meditation: Many addicts struggle in meditation, it doesn’t matter. The practice of meditation is called “practice”, and there is good reason. No one really masters any form of meditation, but that doesn’t mean we can’t benefit. Even semi-efficient meditation can help us calm down and rediscover our priorities.
14. Podcasts and YouTube: Who doesn’t like listening to podcasts and watching YouTube videos? Listening and/or watching these products is a great way to stay focused on healing without spending a lot of effort.
15. prayer: Soren Kierkegaard once said: “Prayer does not change God, but changes him who prays.” And there are many studies that prove this situation. Additionally, almost all recovering addicts, even non-believers, will tell you that praying for sobriety behavior is very effective when they trigger relapses – even if it’s just a way to change our mindset.
16. Planning literature: All mothers who recover the books are “big books” for anonymous alcoholics, and I believe that no matter the nature of his or her addiction, anyone who is recovering should have and read a copy of this cornerstone book. That is, each 12-step program has its own version of the big book, as well as other approved literature, and reading this article is very effective as a recovery tool.
17. Three seconds rule: We have no control over our thoughts or the fact that we feel triggered. But we can control our thoughts and feelings. For example, it is normal for a sex addict to admit that he or she is human after discovering an attractive person. However, addicts need to stay away from triggering individuals In three seconds. Then, without looking back, he or she should consider another person as someone’s wife/daughter/sister or father/son/brother, hoping that the individual and their family will go well. The same procedure is useful when substance drug users see someone drinking alcohol or using drugs and feel triggered.
18. Refocus: This is a variation of the above three-second rule. Essentially, after recognizing an addictive thought or fantasy, we give ourselves up to three seconds to stay away from it and focus on other things – the score of last night’s game, what we need from the grocery store, how much love we have for our spouse, the troubles our kids have with algebra, and so on.
19. Rubber band: This way we put the rubber band on one wrist and whenever we recognize an addictive thought or fantasy, we pull the rubber band and release it to put it on our arms – oops! – A way to distract yourself.
20. Self-care: The positive effects of basic self-care are undisputed – eating right, sleeping enough, avoiding stress, reaching out when we feel overwhelmed, just having some fun occasionally.
21. Serve: Page 89 of the AA’s book states: “Practical experience shows that nothing can ensure the immunity of drinking with other alcoholic beverages.” The motto is correct in all recovery procedures. Providing services keeps us awake.
22. treat: Most addiction recovery studies have found that the best way to stay awake is to combine professional treatment (rehabilitation and/or outpatient therapy) with 12-step recovery and online workgroups. The long-term impact of this combination is undeniable.
23. Using phone number: Most recovery addicts will tell you that the most powerful recovery tool is the phone. As we struggle, we pick up the phone and call a friend in recovery who can convince us from the ledge. If we struggle on our phone, we can call to practice when we are not struggling and just see how the other person performs.

I hope you find this lengthy list of recovery tools helpful. I know I have. Once again, if you have a tool you don’t have listed on yourself, please email me (scott@seekingintegrity.com) and I’ll update this list.

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If you or a loved one is struggling with sexual, pornography, or material/sex addiction, seeking integrity can help. In addition to residential rehabilitation, we offer low-cost online workgroups for both male addicts and male porn addicts, which is a new rehabilitation. Click here for information about our Sex Addiction Working Group. Click here for information about our Porn Addiction Working Group.