How Seeking Integrity Defines Important Terms

Dr. Robert Weiss, LCSW

In sex and relationship therapy, we sometimes use terminology that clients do not know or misunderstand. For this reason, we believe it is important to clarify what we mean when we use certain words and phrases. We have divided our short glossary into four parts:

• gender
• sexual expression
• When sexual behavior gets out of hand (addiction, abuse, offending)
• Other important terms

We provide this information to help you better navigate our website and our in-person and online programming. Please note that these are our Definitions of these terms. Others may define them differently.

gender

gender identity: The extent to which a person self-identifies as male or female (or somewhere in between). Gender identity may be different from a person’s biological sex at birth, but often it is not. Gender identity emerges relatively early in life and is largely fixed throughout life. Children as young as five years old will talk about gender identity issues such as, “Everyone thinks I’m a boy, but I don’t feel like a boy.”

• Psychological gender is fixed and unchangeable.
• Physical gender can be changed surgically.

Cisgender: When your biological sex at birth matches your psychological gender.

• If you were born with male genitals and are comfortable being a male, you are cisgender.
• If you were born with female genitals and are comfortable being a woman, you are cisgender.

Transgender: When your biological and psychological gender at birth do not match.

• If you were born with male genitals but mentally identify as female, you are transgender.
• If you were born with female genitals but mentally identify as male, you are transgender.

Intersex people: Individuals who are born with variations in multiple sex characteristics, including chromosomes, gonads, sex hormones, or genitals, that do not fit the typical definitions of a male or female body.

Gender and pronoun use: Respecting one’s choice of recognized pronouns is increasingly considered a matter of respect:

• he he he
• She, her, her
• they, they, their

Gender expression: The extent to which society may view a person as male or female (regardless of the person’s biological sex and gender identity). In many ways, gender expression is tied to stereotypes of gender identity and gender roles and is therefore rooted in culture.

Androgyny/Gender Fluid/Undifferentiated: When individuals express themselves through a mixture of male and female characteristics, they are said to be androgynous, gender fluid, or undifferentiated. Often, people think of feminine and androgynous men as gay, and tomboy or androgynous women as lesbians. In fact, gender expression and sexual orientation are unrelated.

gender dysphoria: A psychological condition characterized by persistent and significant dissatisfaction with one’s biological birth sex and/or the gender roles associated with that sex. A person may experience gender dysphoria without wanting to change their physical gender. If so, they are struggling with gender expression rather than gender identity.

Queer: A term that refers to a person who is neither heterosexual nor cisgender. This can include a variety of expressions. The term was once a derogatory term, but many LGBTQ people have now reframed the term as empowering.

sexual expression

Sexual orientation: Sexual orientation is defined by the gender to which a person is sexually and romantically attracted. Both the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association say sexual orientation exists on a continuum from completely heterosexual to completely homosexual, with most people falling into a gray area.

opposite sex: Attracted to the opposite sex. Also called “straight”.

Gay: Attracted to people of the same sex. Men are also called “gay” and women are called “lesbians.”

Bisexuality: Attractive to both men and women.

Conversion therapy: An ill-advised attempt to change a person’s sexual orientation through therapy. conversion therapy doesn’t work and Do more harm than good. You can’t change a person’s sexual orientation.

Soloness: Masturbation is often our first and most consistent form of sexual activity.

Partner gender: This often begins with teenage experimentation, although sexual abuse, pornography, and similar techniques can cause this to go off the rails.

Group sex: This is having sex with multiple partners at the same time.

Tangled: A non-conformist sexual taste that people occasionally use to spice up their sex lives.

Fetish: A deep and persistent (perhaps primary) sexual desire focused on non-sexual objects (leather), ritualized behaviors (BDSM), or objectified body parts (feet). Kinks and fetishes are similar, but a kink is something a person can take or leave, whereas a fetish is an important (perhaps major) part of their arousal template.

Paraphilia: Intense, perhaps dangerous, sexual desires taken to extremes, leading to negative consequences. Paraphilias are not considered psychological problems unless they cause distress to the individual, in which case a mental health practitioner can treat the distress.

Sex out of control

Infidelity: Keeping important sexual/romantic secrets from your primary romantic partner.

Sex addiction: Abnormal preoccupation with sex that persists for at least six months, despite negative consequences and attempts to quit or reduce the behavior that causes the problem.

Porn addiction: Dysfunctional preoccupation with pornography that persists for at least six months, despite negative consequences and attempts to quit or reduce pornography use.

Chemical gender: Drug use, especially stimulants such as cocaine and methamphetamine, combined with sexual behavior.

Substance/Sex Addiction: Addictive substances are continually paired with sexual behaviors to the point where the two behaviors become a single, merged addiction. If an addict is engaging in one of these behaviors, they will also engage in the other.

Sexual abstinence: Typically, recovering sex addicts develop a “circle plan” to define sobriety and guide their behavior. Most often, these plans are a three-tier system that lists problem behaviors (inner/red circle), slippery behaviors (middle/yellow circle), and healthy behaviors (outer/green circle). Each addict’s definition of sexual abstinence is unique, based on the addict’s life history and recovery goals.

Sexual abuse: This occurs when one person uses another person for sexual gratification without their permission and without regard to the impact on the other person.

Public sexual abuse: This is clear and blatant actual or verbal sexual abuse.

Covert sexual abuse: covert, indirect, sexualized emotional use/abuse Support of a child by a parent, step-parent or any other long-term caregiver. Often, there is a sexual element to the abuse, although the abuse is hands-off. In general, covert sexual abuse is best recognized by the “icky” feeling it produces.

Sex crimes: Illegal or non-consensual sexual activity.

Other important terms

Edging: Unfortunately, edge has two very different definitions. The first refers to controlling or delaying orgasm to prolong and enhance sexual pleasure. The second refers to dancing on the edge of sexuality without crossing the line. Both definitions are commonly used, so context is important.

Intimacy: Intimacy is the ability to be close, open, and vulnerable with another person. In close relationships, people desire to know and be known, to be honest, to develop mutual trust, to self-disclose, to be independent and interdependent, to respect and appreciate each other, and to enjoy togetherness. Sex can be an expression of intimacy, but it is not the same as intimacy. Intimacy involves emotional behaviors that require trust, vulnerability, empathy, respect, tenderness, and emotional connection.

gender: Sex is what happens between the legs (and other parts of the body). Sex can occur without intimacy. Non-intimate sexual behavior is a common feature of sex, pornography, and substance/sex addictions.

sexual desire: How a person behaves as a human being. Sexuality includes a person’s values, attitudes, appearance, gender identity, beliefs, emotions, attractions, likes and dislikes, and spiritual self.

Sexy: Focus on experiencing pleasure through all your senses. Sexiness increases closeness, intimacy, and touch, which are lifelong needs that don’t get old, even as we get older. As humans age, the desire for sex may diminish, but the need for care, comfort, and close contact remains as strong as ever.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity provides inpatient treatment for people with sex, pornography, and substance/sex addictions, as well as low-cost online work groups. Meanwhile, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.